Back in June, we took the kids on a vacation to St. John Virgin Islands. Now if you have read my blog since the beginning, you know that Tim and I went there two other times without kids. We loved it both times. We spent a lot of the time saying things like, "Wow, Timmy would love this stingray or Savannah would have a blast feeding the iguanas!" Sebastian was just a baby the other times we went. It just didn't seem reasonable to take all the kids with Sebastian still being so small. So, we did what a lot of parents do... just talk about how great it would be for the kids to see it. And... there is nothing wrong with that. Nope, not one tiny little thing. BUT... for us that has changed. For a long time since our life got on a financial roller coaster in 2006 (trying to sell a house that would not sell, moving, layoffs, new job, etc) - I would dream about selling that darn FL house and taking all of us to St. John. That dream included Timmy too. I envisioned this great peace that would come from all the uncertainty we had been living in since late 2006. It was becoming clearer to me by the end of 2009 that we were not going to sell the FL house anytime soon, so my dreams of that vacation were quickly fading away. Timmy did something amazing though... he took us all to Walt Disney World. And we really did have a magical vacation as corny as that sounds. I had no idea that would be the last time we would spend with him. It is etched and soaked in my memories so deep. Lots of details I hold so close to my heart. Sometimes when my grief hurts so much, I think about how much fun we had walking around Epcot trying out all the different beer. I think about running to Splash Mountain with my kids. I try to grasp on so tight to the good memories and not the horrific ones of losing Timmy that flash through my mind. So, what does all this mean? Well, after some of the fog wore off and Tim and I started to see a bit more clear - we both felt very strongly about a time to relax and heal with our kids. One thing led to another and the next thing I know... we are off to St. John. Now, I firmly believe that you can enjoy your kids at a pond in your backyard or a tent at the local campground. It isn't where you are, but who you are with. Remembering back to traveling to Oklahoma when Timmy was in Basic Training... that was one of our best trips EVER. I think it was just because we were all so happy that the icing on that trip's cake was Timmy was at the very end of it waiting for us. Lawton Oklahoma is NOT an exciting place, but I think of that trip with the best and warmest of memories. But, somehow, taking our kids to St. John - a place we loved. A place that just clears your mind and soul. It was just what we needed. I sat on the beach many days and just watched my kids and my husband. I sware I memorized every inch of them. I would close my eyes and I would stick it away in the part of my heart that hurts so much. I wanted to just hold them in that moment for as long as I could. I sat and I talked to God - in my mind - lest you see a crazy woman on the beach talking to herself. I just told Him that I was trying my very best to understand that I will NEVER understand why Timmy had to go away, but I am going to trust that He had a reason beyond all imagination. I thanked Him for giving me the years and memories I had with Timmy and for giving me two other children to hang on to. I asked Him to help me keep going and doing the best I can. And when I was calm and rested, I sat back in my chair and I just watched quietly... I just soaked it all in...
