Home

I have actually written about where I grew up before, but it has been on my mind a lot lately. Partially because of the song above and partially because sometimes when I think about escaping reality, I think about going "home". Home for me was 3 Scarsdale Road in Boulder Hill. We moved there when I was 2. I remember doing summersalts on the green carpet in the upstairs living room. The house was empty and seemed so big. My life that I remember began there. I met my best friend, started school, learned to read, went to girl scouts, had lemonade stands, played school, met my first and only love and brought Timmy home there. Most of my memories from 3 Scarsdale Road are amazing. I am one of the lucky ones that can say that. I have very few bad memories from growing up. My parents loved me. They loved my friends and they loved Tim. I remember sitting on the stairs watching out the big picture window when there was something on my mind or bothering me. It was like a secret hiding place even though it was fully visible. I could fit on that stair and just look at the world go by. I have thought about sitting there a lot. It would be peaceful to sit there right now and watch the world go by. I just went home to Illinois, but I didn't go past the house. I thought about it, but just didn't do it. When Tim and I got pregnant with Timmy when I was 16, this was the home I came to. My mom and dad didn't kick me out or anything like that. They made a home for Timmy. I remember his room. It had paneling, so my sister-in-law, Debi told me to use wrapping paper to cut out some wall hangings. I used Snoopy with balloons. I cut out the words "Timmy's Room" and added some paper balloons. I am just now realizing that Sebastian had Snoopy crib bedding. I must have a Snoopy issue I didn't realize I had. I guess my want to escape there is that is where I first had Timmy. Not all was right with the world. My dad was very sick. It was a hard time after I had Timmy, but Timmy brought so much happiness. There is a part in this song that says,

"I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
this brokenness inside me might start healing.
Out here its like I'm someone else,
I thought that maybe I could find myself"

Every time I hear that part, it makes me cry. I think that when I went home to Illinois that I hoped that it would help the pain. It did some. My friends and family are amazing. I am so incredibly blessed to have two childhood friends that get me. They let me be who I need to be and they don't run away. They remember when Timmy was just a crazy plan that Tim and I had. They remember summer driver's ed and morning sickness. They remember me having a baby in high school and never even for a minute stopping our friendship. I don't think it helped heal me though. I think I came away just as broken as I was before. If not a bit more because I saw how so much had changed there. My baby wasn't there anymore than he is here. You really can't go home to fix the brokenness inside, but you can go home to for a moment feel the love of family.