Thursday, July 24, 2008

A new normal?

I have had a busy week. On Monday we had a extremely busy girl scout meeting. On Tuesday, I spent a large portion of the day unpacking toys and games. I - yes - ME - I cut shelves using a circular saw. We bought big wardrobe closets months ago, but they needed more shelves. Wednesday, Tim and I met with a lawyer about this lawsuit and then I did laundry, made bread, etc. Today I went shopping for groceries and some school stuff. I have been busy. At times, my mind has floated to how Timmy is in Florida. I miss him on and off, but in the way that I think he will be back soon. Then it HITS ME HEAD ON... he will be back for just a week and then he will move out. Sure, he will come to visit from time to time and maybe he will move back for a short while till he decides what is next after 4 years in the Army. The reality is that he is moving out. With all the business of the week, I can manage to put it out of my mind as it pops in from time to time. On Tuesday, when I went to get a big box of games out of the closet, I found his baby blanket. It was just sitting there waiting for me to see it. Oh, my heart! I held it in my hands and I could almost feel him sitting in my lap holding his blankie. Where does the time go? Why don't they tell you at the hospital that the hard part isn't getting them to sleep through the night? The hard part is letting them go. Tonight, Tim, Savannah, Sebastian and I sat down to eat dinner. I was tired and Tim was tired. Dinner was not a fancy affair. It was Sam's rotisserie chicken, watermelon and potato chips. I told them to pretend the potato chips were mashed potatoes with gravy. As I said the words mashed potatoes - my mind went immediately to Timmy. He loves mashed potatoes. We have eaten lots of meals without Timmy here. He has worked evenings on and off for a long time. The thing is that I would save leftovers for him to have later. I looked at the chicken and realized he wouldn't be here for leftovers. He wasn't here to listen to my bad joke about mashed potatoes. Again, my heart hurt. I realized that THIS was our NEW NORMAL. The new time in our lives where Timmy is not just at work and will be here tonight or tomorrow. I have heard and read stories about letting your kids leave the nest. I had no idea how hard it would be. I am so thankful that I still have young kids to sit at my dinner table. I don't think anyone wants to see me in 15 or 16 years when Sebastian leaves. I don't know how long it will take to get used to our new normal. Part of me doesn't want to get used to it. I want to say NO - NO WAY! I AM NOT READY! I know it doesn't work that way though. I hope he knows how much I love him and how much I will miss him. I will think of him every time I make mashed potatoes or chicken parmisan. So many times throughout my busy day, I will think of him and wonder where he is and what he is doing. I will miss my sweet boy.

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