Saturday, July 31, 2010
Here is something that makes me SMILE. Savannah sings this song from the back of the van. I can see her in my child mirror. She sorta sways her head to the music and has the groove. My girl has rhythm. I have no idea where she got it from because neither Tim nor I have it. She knows the words to everything and can get the beat just perfect. Every time I hear this song, it makes me smile because I see her just letting herself be free and happy! Oh and the video is pretty funny too!
Friday, July 30, 2010
“When it hurts to look back, and you're scared to look ahead, you can look beside you and your best friend will be there.”
I have had many friends in my life. I met my first friend when I was 2 - Tricia or Patty or whatever she may want to be called today. She was and still is one of my best friends. There were other friends on and off growing up. Then I met Jorgena when I was 12. Yep, she is still my best friend. Both of these friends live in Illinois - where we grew up. They will always be my friends. I call them all the time because I am a chatty phone person. I like to talk on the phone while I clean my house. It is a relaxing thing for me. I met Debi before we moved to FL. We were sister in laws, but we were best friends too. Then there are the friends I have in Florida. Cindy - she is always taking care of me. I don't know what I would do without her. She helped be plan Timmy's funeral. I didn't know what to do or who to call and it seemed that every decision was just too huge for me to figure out. I called her and she didn't hesitate to help me. Then there is Vickie, Mazie and Susie and a newish friend Heidi that helped with everything. They are amazing friends that love me. I also have friends I used to work with that are still my friends even though I haven't worked in 4 years. Linda and Anita are always there when I need them. I had old friends that came to Timmy's service. I was in awe of people I hadn't seen in years, but they came. When I moved here, I was so lonely. I missed my friends. I have lots of family here, but they are busy with their lives. I missed the kind of connection of getting together on a weekday afternoon to talk about nothing or everything. As I said, I am a chatty person. I crave talking to people. I don't do well if I can't talk and talk and talk some more. I have met the most amazing people here. Christina - she is so wise for being younger. She is always there to tell me it is okay. April - she is a nut and makes me laugh. Sam - quiet, but cares so much. There are so many more friends here. I am getting to know more and more wonderful and amazing women each day I am here. They are kind to me and send me emails and messages that are so comforting. I went bowling today and met up with two ladies I don't know well, but they were so sweet to me. I have Laurie who is more of family than a friend. She is just fun to hang out with. Of course, I have my mom and my sister. They are family, but they are my best friends. Years ago, when Timmy was about 3, I had a friend named Beth. She was single and we had nothing in common really. But she was my good friend for many years. My only real friend I had in Florida for a long time. Something happened with her and she pulled away from everyone. I was so lonely for friends. I began to homeschool and that opened up a whole world of possibilities. People always talk about socialization for homeschooled kids. I don't think most people realize that homeschooling also provides amazing friendships for the moms. And even the dads. I don't know what I would do without all of my friends right now. I have had a very hard time these last few days. Today, when I went bowling, I could feel my friends willing me to give myself time to heal. I also got emails today from other friends with the kindest words and offer of help in any way. And there was the phone call today with my very first friend, Tricia. She left her kids, jumped on a plane and stood by my side while I buried my son. She lets me cry and make no sense when we talk. If I didn't mention your name, it doesn't mean you are not my friend. There are so many people that are right there for me. I can't imagine my life without all of these amazing people.
ETA - I lay in bed in the wee hours of the morning - thinking I didn't write about my sweet friend, Michelle, from Florida. How did I not write about her? I have no idea! She has been there to help me way back since Debi died. She opened her scrapbooking nights to me and it was just what I need. She did all the work for the church part of Timmy's service. I didn't forget you, Michelle, I promise!
Saturday, July 24, 2010
I have a lot of fears, lately. Worries and fears. I spend a lot of time rolling them over and over in my head. One of my biggest fears is that everyone will forget Timmy. My logical side tells me this is not so. I also tell myself does it really matter if people forget him. Does it change anything if people forget him? Not really, but the pain it brings is all encompassing. I know that I haven't forgotten Debi. Sometimes I think that is because her kids are walking around right in front of me. How could I forget her? Then I realize even before I lived here, Debi was always on my mind. I didn't go a day without thinking about her. Still... I worry that Timmy will just be somebody that people will say something about once in awhile. He is my son! He was my hope and my dreams and my joy! He is not just somebody that is gone. So, I worry. I worry that Sebastian will not remember how much he loved him. How wonderful he was and how big of a heart he had. I worry he won't know what an amazing human being he was. I can show him videos and pictures all day long, but he won't remember the details. I go through my day trying to keep things in balance. I know he would want me to be happy and to share happiness with our family. I know this because I know that is how he lived. This past week, a few of of his friends have shared details with me about how Timmy changed their lives. Even a mom said how helped her son not be afraid of the Chick Fil A cow. Simple and silly, but has so much meaning to me. I realized they miss him and they love him too. That he won't be forgotten. He will live in their hearts. I wish I could tell my fear to just go away and stay away, but it doesn't work. I am so grateful to those that share their stories with me. It helps ease the fears and is one of many crazy everyday blessings .
Monday, July 19, 2010
I am a Kohls shopping addict. I have one department store credit card and it is for Kohls. If you use your card (and pay it off in full every month) you get FANTASTIC coupons for 30% off of everything including clearance. This past weekend, I took my mom to buy some things with that amazing coupon. I got Savannah up like 10 minutes before we were leaving because I thought we might find some great clearance. It took her no time to jump out of bed when she heard shopping for clothes might be involved. We found a couple pairs of jeans that came out to around $6 after clearance and coupon! Awesome! We were all starving and had to stop looking at the racks. The very next day, Sunday, I decided that Savannah and I should hit our other Kohls out by the mall on the off chance there were some more jeans. We rarely go out just the two of us. We almost always have Sebastian, my mom and my sister along for any shopping trip. But this Sunday, it was just me and my girl. We had a lot of fun looking through the clearance racks and oohhhinngg and ahhhhiinnggg over the great deals. We filled our cart and headed to the dressing room. I lounged on the sofa while she put on a fashion show! I was sitting and remembering back to modeling jeans for my mom when I was in high school. We had so much fun shopping for those clothes. Now I was sitting here with my little girl doing the same thing. My mind would linger between outfits. I thought about Timmy telling me how grown up she was looking. He kept asking me why she as growing up so quick these days. I told him that is just how it works. You blink and they bloom! I thought about how I had prayed for a girl. I wanted a girl so we could do things like go shopping for clothes together. I have been angry at God these days. I miss Timmy in every breathe I take. I sat there and watched my beautiful girl giggle and smile ear to ear over trying on clothes. I was a little less angry with God as I watched her. I wonder if I will ever feel complete joy again. I read message boards looking for my answer. Most say you won't ever feel complete happiness again when you lose a child. You get bits and pieces of it. Sunday, in a Kohls dressing room with my sweet Savannah was a bit and piece of happiness. She has a smile that can melt my heart and she has the love that gets me through my day. She is my girl. The girl I asked God for and He answered my prayer.
Friday, July 16, 2010
I haven't blogged in nearly a year. Several times over the past year, Timmy asked why I wasn't blogging. I think he actually looked forward to my blogs. I told him I was too busy. I was not inspired or whatever. He asked me to blog about Rose - Patrick's daughter. He asked me to blog about Patrick's wedding. He wanted me to find pictures from when they were little and put them with the new ones. For whatever reason, I told him I didn't have time. The last thing I said to Timmy was that I was busy and I would call him back. This has echoed in my mind for 2 months.
The other day I found this website that will make your blog into a book. I clicked on the demo for my blog. I was amazed at what I saw. I flipped though the pages and happily remembered daily things that I probably would have forgotten. It inspired me. It made me happy (and sad).
I started my blog many years ago because I was battling sadness over missing my sister-in-law, Debi. When she passed away, I missed our daily chats on the computer. I found blogging to be a way to express all my thoughts. I tried to focus on the Crazy Everyday Blessings. Now, I miss talking to Timmy every day. I would tell him all the little and BIG stuff. He was my best friend. I shared all my things with him.
So... I am hoping to blog a bit more. I am sad that I missed so much time. I am sad that those memories may be gone forever.
My first thing I want to remember is Sebastian saving me from the rain. Yesterday, we went to our friend, Wendy's. We left in the rain and it steadily got worse. It was horrible! When we got home, the kids made a run for it to the house. They had swim suits on. I did not. I sat in the quiet van for a few minutes. Sort of enjoying the peace and quiet. Then to my amazement, Sebastian came walking out of the house. He had changed his clothes and brought me an umbrella! He had the biggest smile on his face. He was so proud to RESCUE me! I want to remember that smile down the road. My hero!