Little pieces of Sebastian's heart

Yesterday, I got a message from a woman at church - Kristen - about having Sebastian sing a song with another child for the Christmas play. That got my mind thinking and rolling around what has happened in his life in the last 17 months. I decided I should write it down because even though some of it is very painful, some of it is very much filled with hope. I guess really this post starts when Sebastian was just in my belly and had a few months until he was born. We had gone for an ultrasound and found out he was a boy! Timmy and Savannah were both with us. Savannah sat on the ground in true 5 year old behavior and cried because this new baby was not only a boy, but he was due on her birthday! The horrors of it all! Timmy, on the other hand, leaped into the air did one of those ALRIGHT moments of "I am having a brother!" Two completely different reactions. Time passed and we welcomed Mr. Sebastian into our world. His momma was still somewhat of a mess from losing her best friend a year earlier. As much as I love Sebastian and we chose to have him because of my hurting heart - there were days I thought this tiny baby was getting short changed because his momma was a bit frazzled at best. He did have an awesome big brother(and an equally wonderful big sister) that helped out when he was home. At one point, I even left my little 2 year old Sebastian with his brother and dad for 6 days while I took Savannah to Williamsburg. Everyone thought I should have worried about leaving my baby with my 17 year old... in truth I was a bit more worried about the days my husband had him all day! After all, Timmy had been home with Sebastian since the day he was born. He knew all his quirks and all of his routine. My husband, on the flip side of the coin, had been at work most days. Time flew by as it often does and Timmy was soon leaving for the Army. Sebastian was not quite 4 when he left. I remember telling Timmy over and over that if he joined the service - the kids wouldn't know him. I told him how I was so extremely close to my oldest sister, but when she married and moved away when I was 12 - our closeness fell away. I was worried about it and if you know me at all - that means I obsessed about it. Then there was my oldest son, wise and kind. He wrote letters and sent pictures and text messages and he called. Oh yes, he called. He would talk to me and he would talk to Sebastian. Not as much as I would have liked in hindsight, but that is a different post. Don't ask me about my lack of using SKYPE - I literally and I do mean literally have a mini panic attack when I see it on the screen because I am so sad for not using it more. Time will heal that as it does other things. Anyway, I am getting off track. My point is that Timmy stayed connected to his siblings. He let them know they were important to him and that they loved him. When Timmy died, Sebastian had the unfortunate event of not getting told in a gentle manner. He was in the van when I pulled into the driveway that day. He saw me, my mom and my sister completely lose it as we saw the two soldiers standing there. He saw me beat on my steering wheel and scream. He was just 5 years old and he did not deserve that. Savannah was not at home. I was able to take her aside and hold her and tell her. Sebastian spent time away from me that day and I remember at some point telling my friend April that she needed to bring him home right now. I guess in my haze it hit me that HE needed me. When she brought him home - he went to his room and he began kicking his wall as hard as he could. Then he fell into my arms and he cried. Not his usual "I am being a pain in the butt kid" cry, but the kind that was he had just lost his big brother cry. For weeks, he would kick that wall. For the next year, he had meltdown after meltdown. I mean crumbling in to what I call snotty fits - where the tears are rolling and the snot is flying. Not pretty and sometimes frustrating. Enough to make me insane at some times. I just wanted to sit at the park with my friends and heal a bit, but my Sebastian was crying over everything. We tried lots of things and lots of people had "advice". Tim and I talked about it over and over. All at once it hit me. I was crying everyday. Sure, most days, I did it quietly, but not always. Some days I cried so hard and there was nothing that was going to make it stop. I was 38 years old and I was crying and having snotty fits. I just had the sense to go sit on my closet floor to do it. Why on earth would I expect my 5 or 6 year old child to do better? When I realized that - it changed how I dealt with it. I knew I couldn't allow him to just get angry and throw fits, but I also knew that it had some reason to be there. His anger came from pain in his heart and that is real. I thought about how I sat alone in my closet and cried until I felt better. I began sitting him alone when he had a meltdown. If we were at the park - I would open all the van doors and sit him in the van. Pretty soon, he actually knew the drill and sometimes would tell me he just needed to be by himself for a bit. I am happy to say that today we are not having nearly as many trials with him. There are some people that helped along the way and that brings me back to the very beginning of this story. Last winter as I was walking through Walmart, I saw our youth pastor, Oakley and his wife, Kristen. Now, they don't know this, but they will now if they ever read this. I actually saw them and I walked through the clothes aisle to avoid them. WHY would I do that, you might be wondering? Well, because Tim and I had taken Sebastian out of church for that time. Too many meltdowns at church was very trying on both Sebastian and me. So, I didn't want to come face to face with them. Then it happened. Kristen called over to me, "Sebastian's mom... Sebastian's mom." I stopped and turned. She came over and very sweetly told me how much they missed Sebastian at church. I explained the above. I worried she would think I was a bad mom taking my kid out of church and all. She didn't act that way at all. She was very kind and continued to be kind each Sunday when I did NOT bring Sebastian back to church. A couple of months passed. We decided it was time to give it a try again. I would love to end the story with something like Sebastian never had another meltdown again at church, but that would be a fairy tale ending. He had and continues to have some good days and some bad days. Not nearly as many bad days anymore. People like Kristen, and Anne Marie another great woman that helps at the church and Margie head of the children's department were patient with him. And there are others inside and outside of church that love him broken and all. They didn't expect him to be all fixed and perfect. They understood that his heart was broken into a lot of little pieces and it was going to take a lot of time to try to fit the pieces back into place. When I got that message asking him to have a specific part in the Christmas play, it was just fitting one more of the pieces in place. It is just a tiny verse that he gets to sing, but the fact that they love him enough to know that this may be a challenge and that they are willing to take it. That says something. I know his heart won't hurt as bad forever and I am glad of that. At the same time, I will always be sad that as his heart heals - it means he will miss his brother less. It is bittersweet. With the pain comes little pieces of joy when you least expect them.

Finding good in the bad...

I have spent months and month thinking about and replaying conversations I had with Timmy. We talked a lot on the phone each day and to be truthful... most of those conversations were forgettable. They were just the typical - I need to run to Walmart and why won't Savannah get her school done and I wonder what we should have for dinner types of conversations. Timmy would call just about every weekday morning when he woke up. It would be around 10am our time. Then he would call again around 4pm and then usually again around 9pm. We talked a lot about nothing at all and sometimes about everything. I wish I had paid more attention. I took it for granted. Tim told me something awhile back that may be the sweetest and kindest thing he ever said to me. He said he firmly believes that because we homeschooled Timmy that he was used to talking to me everyday. Afterall, when you are 11 years old, in the 5th grade and are home all day with your 1 year old sister and your mom... who else are you gonna talk to? Tim says he thinks it got our kids in the habit of sharing their thoughts with me. It just continued when Timmy moved 3500 miles to Alaska and even when he went to the other side of the world in Iraq. Only in Iraq instead of phone calls in was im's. It was a gift. A gift that sometimes I didn't even realize I had. I know it now and it is painfully clear from the silence of my cell phone.  Anyway, that wasn't what I was really coming here to write about - but I got sidetracked. In one of our conversations, I remember complaining about Savannah and Sebastian. Something I probably did a lot. To be honest, the last few years were HARD in a lot of ways and I wasn't feeling all that great about the world. So, sometimes I was just plain and simple an Eeyore. So, Timmy asks me, "Why do you always complain about your kids... the ones you wanted so much?" It was pretty darn blunt... that was my boy... just like his mom. I sorta stopped and I said something to the effect that I was tired and stressed and did I mention... tired? He laughed at me. He said something about me getting old. Yep - that would be correct. I am older and more tired and more busy. So, I complained a lot about really nothing at all. Just to be complaining, I guess. In all the months I have been thinking about things, I try to find whatever good I can in this horrible journey I didn't ask to be on. One of the things that came to my mind was that I needed to enjoy Savannah and Sebastian more. The way I did Timmy. When we had Timmy - our lives were much, much simpler. We had pretty easy jobs, very little bills, not a whole lot of stress. Our life was predictable. For 9+ years we lived that way. I don't know why it changed, but it did. The day I found out Timmy had died, I did something that I still don't quite understand why or how. I went to the bookshelf and I got a book for Sebastian. I hadn't read him bedtime stories nearly his entire life. I am not exactly sure why I didn't, but I didn't. I had always read to Timmy and I read to Savannah until Sebastian came around. I didn't understand exactly why that came to my mind on that night. I was beyond numb and not thinking at all, but I thought enough to do that. Since then, I have been reading to him most nights. Earlier this week, I had some clarity on that when I remembered him asking me, "why do you always complain about the kids?" There IT was... the simple good that comes from the bad. When you lose a child you love more than your very own life, you need to make some sort of sense of it. I think that I have learned to enjoy my other kids more. That is not to say that I don't complain about them. Just ask my mom - she will tell you I still complain plenty. I will always have Eeyore deep down in me somewhere. I just try to do it less and less and I try to focus on what makes them the best gifts I could have ever received. That is finding good in the bad.

Soaking it all in...

Back in June, we took the kids on a vacation to St. John Virgin Islands. Now if you have read my blog since the beginning, you know that Tim and I went there two other times without kids. We loved it both times. We spent a lot of the time saying things like, "Wow, Timmy would love this stingray or Savannah would have a blast feeding the iguanas!" Sebastian was just a baby the other times we went. It just didn't seem reasonable to take all the kids with Sebastian still being so small. So, we did what a lot of parents do... just talk about how great it would be for the kids to see it. And... there is nothing wrong with that. Nope, not one tiny little thing. BUT... for us that has changed. For a long time since our life got on a financial roller coaster in 2006 (trying to sell a house that would not sell, moving, layoffs, new job, etc) - I would dream about selling that darn FL house and taking all of us to St. John. That dream included Timmy too. I envisioned this great peace that would come from all the uncertainty we had been living in since late 2006. It was becoming clearer to me by the end of 2009 that we were not going to sell the FL house anytime soon, so my dreams of that vacation were quickly fading away. Timmy did something amazing though... he took us all to Walt Disney World. And we really did have a magical vacation as corny as that sounds. I had no idea that would be the last time we would spend with him. It is etched and soaked in my memories so deep. Lots of details I hold so close to my heart. Sometimes when my grief hurts so much, I think about how much fun we had walking around Epcot trying out all the different beer. I think about running to Splash Mountain with my kids. I try to grasp on so tight to the good memories and not the horrific ones of losing Timmy that flash through my mind. So, what does all this mean? Well, after some of the fog wore off and Tim and I started to see a bit more clear - we both felt very strongly about a time to relax and heal with our kids. One thing led to another and the next thing I know... we are off to St. John. Now, I firmly believe that you can enjoy your kids at a pond in your backyard or a tent at the local campground. It isn't where you are, but who you are with. Remembering back to traveling to Oklahoma when Timmy was in Basic Training... that was one of our best trips EVER. I think it was just because we were all so happy that the icing on that trip's cake was Timmy was at the very end of it waiting for us. Lawton Oklahoma is NOT an exciting place, but I think of that trip with the best and warmest of memories. But, somehow, taking our kids to St. John - a place we loved. A place that just clears your mind and soul. It was just what we needed. I sat on the beach many days and just watched my kids and my husband. I sware I memorized every inch of them. I would close my eyes and I would stick it away in the part of my heart that hurts so much. I wanted to just hold them in that moment for as long as I could. I sat and I talked to God - in my mind - lest you see a crazy woman on the beach talking to herself. I just told Him that I was trying my very best to understand that I will NEVER understand why Timmy had to go away, but I am going to trust that He had a  reason beyond all imagination. I thanked Him for giving me the years and memories I had with Timmy and for giving me two other children to hang on to. I asked Him to help me keep going and doing the best I can. And when I was calm and rested, I sat back in my chair and I just watched quietly... I just soaked it all in...

Be a Tabitha...

This is our Tabitha with Timmy!

Huh? What does my title mean? To some people in my family - they really are wondering because we have an amazing family member by the name of Tabitha. And while I do think it would be great to be like our very own Tabi - that is not what my title is talking about. Several months ago I heard a message at church about Tabitha in the Bible. Now, these days and most days - my memory is not that great. That day this message touched me and I wanted to blog about it then. I have no idea what keeps me from my blog now. I used to crave writing on it and even now - I write blog posts in my head. I just never sit down to type them up. Here I am many months later - cleaning the kitchen - and in my mind I am rolling that "Be a Tabitha" sermon in my head. Okay, I will get to telling you what it means now if you don't already know. I sure a lot of you already do know the story, but I sure didn't. So here goes... Pastor John was talking about Acts 9:32-43 - Calvary Chapel Lesson. He was talking about how this woman, Tabitha, had died. There were people gathered around her and they kept her with them. They did not take her to a tomb. They wanted to keep her with them and they begged Peter to BRING HER BACK! Tabitha was described as an amazing woman. She made clothes for the widows. She loved people and was just beautiful inside and out. When she died - it just tore these people apart. They could not believe that she could be gone and they WANTED HER BACK! Pastor John goes on to say that we should be the type of people that when we die that somebody WANTS US BACK! As I sat there listening to him, I thought about how many people want Timmy back. How many people has said this to me over and over. We just WANT HIM BACK! We didn't just want him back a year ago when he died, but we still want him back right now. I also thought a lot about my sister-in-law, Debi. Again - over 7 years later - if you talked to the many, many people she touched - they would say they WANT HER BACK! There are many people that have gone before me that I want back, but my mind stuck with them. I kept thinking that they were truly "Tabithas". They were beautiful on the inside and out. They loved people and gave anything they had to them. When people tell stories about them and all the good times they shared, they smile and they remember joy. I remember when Debi died - there were so many people at her memorial service. I sat in that church and just looked at all the people she had touched. I thought about that for awhile after - thinking I don't reach out to that many people by a long shot. Then when Timmy died - again - I sat in the limo at the cemetary and I watched. I watched as car after car drove into the cemetary. I watched all the lives he had touched in his short 21 years. A year later - the people that talk about him - they are spread from Alaska to Afghanistan to Florida to Illinois to South Carolina and a whole lot more places in between. So, what am I saying... I am saying that I want to be a "Tabitha". When I am gone - I want people to want me back. I want people to miss me and not because I have a big ego. I want them to important to me and I want to be important to them. Now, back to our very own - Tabi - she was named very well. She happens to be one of those "Tabithas" too. So, my question for today is "Are you being a Tabitha?" Are you teaching your children that no matter what their difficulty is that they can still be a good and kind person? There are a lot of days where I would like to give up and give in - hey my kid died - I want to lay down and die too! BUT and this is a BIG BUT - I CAN'T - because that would not be teaching my children how to be a "Tabitha". That would be teaching them how to be alone. So, I keep thinking about this and I hope you do too. Go out and be a Tabitha and find and give JOY even when you feel like you can't. Make somebody WANT YOU BACK!  I love you Timmy and I will always want you back.

Joy, weddings, tornadoes, and choices...

just went for a walk this morning. Amazing how I can get better clarity by leaving the house and walking around the block. Before I left for my walk, it was weighing heavily on me that it has been 50 weeks since I last talked to Timmy. 50 weeks since he died. Yes, I keep track of weeks. I guess as mothers we naturally keep track of weeks - like when we were pregnant. 50 weeks ago this morning, he called me around 10am - as he did a lot. It was his wake up time there and he would call to chat for a bit before his day started. He called me later on that afternoon to chat and I will forever regret that my last words to him were that I was busy and that I would call him back. The thing is that I know that there is not a DAMN thing I can do about that. So, I can continue to torture myself for that or I can choose something else. This morning, I am choosing something else. There is a lot of hoopla about the Royal Wedding that happened earlier this morning. I taped it on the DVR. Honestly, before now, I never paid much attention to William or Kate. Yesterday, the kids and I watched lots of shows about the wedding and history of the past. Savannah painted my toenails while I clipped coupons and Sebastian played with legos. It was a quiet and peaceful afternoon. Today, we are headed to the zoo with friends. Before we go - we are going to go take a peak at the wedding dress, but will have to watch the rest of it when we get back. It may seem silly since there are so many other things to think about. Here is the thing for me... I can choose to be sad. Lord knows my heart hurts all day everyday. I wish for a moment I could let people who don't know what it feels like to just feel it. It is this physical pain that is deep in your chest. It does not go away. So, as I was saying, I could give into it. I could sit and watch all the horrific news stories and wallow in how awful the world is and how life is not fair - afterall - my Timmy is dead. Or I can get up and take my Sebastian in my lap, hug him and say "Good Morning Bubba Luka". I can go walk around my neighborhood and be thankful that I live in a safe place and I have a body that carries me. I can watch the Royal Wedding with my daughter and giggle about what it might feel like to be a real live princess. It really is a choice to choose joy. That doesn't mean I won't continue to pray for tornado victims. I will, I do think about the fact that nearly 300 families have lost a loved one. I realize that means that there is another mom out there - just like me - feeling like her baby is so far away. My best advice for those people is to find joy and seek joy. Now, I need to get a shower and take a peak at that wedding dress and go to the zoo. Always missing my son, always wishing he were here, but choosing to find the JOY where I can.

The Kissing Hand

I know I haven't written a blog post in months. My heart just hasn't been there. Tonight, Sebastian did something that I don't want to forget. These days, I couldn't even remember my phone number tonight. I worry that I will look back on this time and it will all be some fog. I will just remember the pain and not the happiness. A few months back, I read Sebastian a book called The Kissing Hand. Tonight, I was laying in bed with Sebastian. He asked if he could have my hand. He kissed my hand and said, "You'll have my kiss in your hand for when you are sad and missing Timmy. I love you so much momma." Then he just hugged me and kept giving me kisses. I do not know how I would survive if I didn't have these kids. Savannah is always there to hug me and hold me when I cry and then my sweet boy. I love these kids so much.

Walt Disney World and Mars...

When Tricia Gabehart Riley and I were 5 years old, she took a trip to Walt Disney World. At that time, we spent every summer playing together EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. Her family very rarely went on a long vacation. When they said FLORIDA - it felt like they were saying MARS. I remember hugging her in the driveway and feeling like the world just might end. Soon a post card from WDW arrived. It as Pooh Bear in front of the castle. I carried that card around until the long two weeks came to an end. She arrived home and we ran across our front yards. She had a Mickey Mouse cup with ears and a straw for me. She also had a Shamu stuffed animal for her. I remember asking her, "Who is Shamu?". When I was 19, Tim and I went to Magic Kingdom for the very first time on our 1 year anniversary. We didn't bring Timmy - just us! I was so excited to finally go to the place I had dreamed about since I was 5. Over the next 17 years, our family was very blessed to go to Disney many, many times. Tricia never made it back to Disney since the time she was 5. On Halloween, we will be meeting each other in WDW. Her daughter's birthday is November 2nd. We are going to go trick or treating in Magic Kingdom. I carry around pain in my heart all day, every day - but this morning I am so excited that I am going to that MARS place with my best friend!

Home

I have actually written about where I grew up before, but it has been on my mind a lot lately. Partially because of the song above and partially because sometimes when I think about escaping reality, I think about going "home". Home for me was 3 Scarsdale Road in Boulder Hill. We moved there when I was 2. I remember doing summersalts on the green carpet in the upstairs living room. The house was empty and seemed so big. My life that I remember began there. I met my best friend, started school, learned to read, went to girl scouts, had lemonade stands, played school, met my first and only love and brought Timmy home there. Most of my memories from 3 Scarsdale Road are amazing. I am one of the lucky ones that can say that. I have very few bad memories from growing up. My parents loved me. They loved my friends and they loved Tim. I remember sitting on the stairs watching out the big picture window when there was something on my mind or bothering me. It was like a secret hiding place even though it was fully visible. I could fit on that stair and just look at the world go by. I have thought about sitting there a lot. It would be peaceful to sit there right now and watch the world go by. I just went home to Illinois, but I didn't go past the house. I thought about it, but just didn't do it. When Tim and I got pregnant with Timmy when I was 16, this was the home I came to. My mom and dad didn't kick me out or anything like that. They made a home for Timmy. I remember his room. It had paneling, so my sister-in-law, Debi told me to use wrapping paper to cut out some wall hangings. I used Snoopy with balloons. I cut out the words "Timmy's Room" and added some paper balloons. I am just now realizing that Sebastian had Snoopy crib bedding. I must have a Snoopy issue I didn't realize I had. I guess my want to escape there is that is where I first had Timmy. Not all was right with the world. My dad was very sick. It was a hard time after I had Timmy, but Timmy brought so much happiness. There is a part in this song that says,

"I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
this brokenness inside me might start healing.
Out here its like I'm someone else,
I thought that maybe I could find myself"

Every time I hear that part, it makes me cry. I think that when I went home to Illinois that I hoped that it would help the pain. It did some. My friends and family are amazing. I am so incredibly blessed to have two childhood friends that get me. They let me be who I need to be and they don't run away. They remember when Timmy was just a crazy plan that Tim and I had. They remember summer driver's ed and morning sickness. They remember me having a baby in high school and never even for a minute stopping our friendship. I don't think it helped heal me though. I think I came away just as broken as I was before. If not a bit more because I saw how so much had changed there. My baby wasn't there anymore than he is here. You really can't go home to fix the brokenness inside, but you can go home to for a moment feel the love of family.

Sisters...

I know I just posted about my friends, but I just got this in an email from a friend. Seen it before, but somehow the words are ringing in my ears today. I had a wonderful week with my oldest friends. I sat in TGIFridays and cried to Jorge she just held my hand and listened. I drove through cornfields and Tricia understood exactly how the loss of a child felt. She let me cry and hugged me. I do not know what I would do without my family and friends right now or ever.

A young wife sat on a sofa on a hot humid day, drinking iced
tea and visiting with her mother. As they talked about life, about
marriage, about the responsibilities of life and the obligations of
adulthood, the mother clinked the ice cubes in her glass thoughtfully and
turned a clear, sober glance upon her daughter.

"Don't forget your Sisters," she advised, swirling the tea
leaves to the bottom of her glass. "They'll be more important as you get
older. No matter how much you love your husband, no matter how much you
love the children you may have, you are still going to need Sisters.
Remember to go places with them now and then; do things with them.

"Remember that 'Sisters' means ALL the women...your
girlfriends, your daughters, and all your other women relatives too.

"You'll need other women. Women always do."

What a funny piece of advice, the young woman thought. Haven't
I just gotten married? Haven't I just joined the couple-world? I'm now a
married woman, for goodness sake! A grownup! Surely my husband and the
family we may start will be all I need to make my life worthwhile!

But she listened to her mother. She kept in contact with her
Sisters and made more women friends each year. As the years tumbled
by,one after another, she gradually came to understand that her Mom really
knew what she was talking about. As time and nature work their changes and
their mysteries upon a woman, Sisters are the mainstays of her life.
After many years of living in this world, here is what I've learned:

Time passes.
Life happens.
Distance separates.
Children grow up.
Jobs come and go.
Love waxes and wanes.
Men don't do what Sisters do.
Hearts break.
Parents die.
Colleagues forget favours.
Careers end.

BUT--------
Sisters are there, no matter how much time and how many miles
are between you.

A girlfriend is never farther away than needing her can reach.

When you have to walk that lonesome valley and you have to walk
it by yourself, the women in your life will be on the valley's rim,
cheering you on, praying for you, pulling for you, intervening on your behalf,
and waiting with open arms at the valley's end.

Sometimes, they will even break the rules and walk beside you.
Or come in and carry you out.

Girlfriends, daughters, granddaughters, daughters-in-law, sisters,
sisters-in-law, Mothers, Grandmothers, aunties, nieces, cousins,and extended
family, all bless our life!

The world wouldn't be the same without women, and neither would I.

When we began this adventure called womanhood, we had no idea of the
incredible joys or sorrows that lay ahead. Nor did we know how much we
would need each other. Every day, we need each other still.
Author unknown

The alarm clock (or lack of one)

This is going to sound like a silly post. I wanted to find a time to blog all week, but I just didn't get there. One of the mornings, I was laying there in bed thinking about my blog. It occurred to me that one of my very favorite things about my life is a simple luxury that most do not have. Sleep. I pretty much get 9 hours of sleep a night. That was never the case when I worked outside the home. I was either up early or working late into the night. These days, the alarm goes off for Tim at 5:30. That is the first one. I turn it off and we cuddle for 15 minutes until the second alarm goes off. We started that routine over 10 years ago and we still love it. Then, typically, I scoot him out of bed. These days I am getting up and taking Scout (our chiuaua) out. I hate that, but I am doing it. Then I go back to sleep for a good two hours (okay, sometimes 3... but I try to be up in 2.) That is a sweet, sweet luxury and I guess I would call it an every day blessing to me because I love waking up on my own time. Sebastian comes in lots of mornings and sneaks into Tim's spot. He is always so sweet and snuggly. Again one of my very favorite times of the day when he snuggles up to me and gives me a big kiss. Just awesome! So, while lots of people are getting up to alarms this next week or so and rushing their kids off to school... I will be snuggling with my hubby and then with my little Bubba Luka. Simply perfect.

My girl has got a groove...

Here is something that makes me SMILE. Savannah sings this song from the back of the van. I can see her in my child mirror. She sorta sways her head to the music and has the groove. My girl has rhythm. I have no idea where she got it from because neither Tim nor I have it. She knows the words to everything and can get the beat just perfect. Every time I hear this song, it makes me smile because I see her just letting herself be free and happy! Oh and the video is pretty funny too!

“When it hurts to look back, and you're scared to look ahead, you can look beside you and your best friend will be there.”

I have had many friends in my life. I met my first friend when I was 2 - Tricia or Patty or whatever she may want to be called today. She was and still is one of my best friends. There were other friends on and off growing up. Then I met Jorgena when I was 12. Yep, she is still my best friend. Both of these friends live in Illinois - where we grew up. They will always be my friends. I call them all the time because I am a chatty phone person. I like to talk on the phone while I clean my house. It is a relaxing thing for me. I met Debi before we moved to FL. We were sister in laws, but we were best friends too. Then there are the friends I have in Florida. Cindy - she is always taking care of me. I don't know what I would do without her. She helped be plan Timmy's funeral. I didn't know what to do or who to call and it seemed that every decision was just too huge for me to figure out. I called her and she didn't hesitate to help me. Then there is Vickie, Mazie and Susie and a newish friend Heidi that helped with everything. They are amazing friends that love me. I also have friends I used to work with that are still my friends even though I haven't worked in 4 years. Linda and Anita are always there when I need them. I had old friends that came to Timmy's service. I was in awe of people I hadn't seen in years, but they came. When I moved here, I was so lonely. I missed my friends. I have lots of family here, but they are busy with their lives. I missed the kind of connection of getting together on a weekday afternoon to talk about nothing or everything. As I said, I am a chatty person. I crave talking to people. I don't do well if I can't talk and talk and talk some more. I have met the most amazing people here. Christina - she is so wise for being younger. She is always there to tell me it is okay. April - she is a nut and makes me laugh. Sam - quiet, but cares so much. There are so many more friends here. I am getting to know more and more wonderful and amazing women each day I am here. They are kind to me and send me emails and messages that are so comforting. I went bowling today and met up with two ladies I don't know well, but they were so sweet to me. I have Laurie who is more of family than a friend. She is just fun to hang out with. Of course, I have my mom and my sister. They are family, but they are my best friends. Years ago, when Timmy was about 3, I had a friend named Beth. She was single and we had nothing in common really. But she was my good friend for many years. My only real friend I had in Florida for a long time. Something happened with her and she pulled away from everyone. I was so lonely for friends. I began to homeschool and that opened up a whole world of possibilities. People always talk about socialization for homeschooled kids. I don't think most people realize that homeschooling also provides amazing friendships for the moms. And even the dads. I don't know what I would do without all of my friends right now. I have had a very hard time these last few days. Today, when I went bowling, I could feel my friends willing me to give myself time to heal. I also got emails today from other friends with the kindest words and offer of help in any way. And there was the phone call today with my very first friend, Tricia. She left her kids, jumped on a plane and stood by my side while I buried my son. She lets me cry and make no sense when we talk. If I didn't mention your name, it doesn't mean you are not my friend. There are so many people that are right there for me. I can't imagine my life without all of these amazing people.

ETA - I lay in bed in the wee hours of the morning - thinking I didn't write about my sweet friend, Michelle, from Florida. How did I not write about her? I have no idea! She has been there to help me way back since Debi died. She opened her scrapbooking nights to me and it was just what I need. She did all the work for the church part of Timmy's service. I didn't forget you, Michelle, I promise!

Fears

I have a lot of fears, lately. Worries and fears. I spend a lot of time rolling them over and over in my head. One of my biggest fears is that everyone will forget Timmy. My logical side tells me this is not so. I also tell myself does it really matter if people forget him. Does it change anything if people forget him? Not really, but the pain it brings is all encompassing. I know that I haven't forgotten Debi. Sometimes I think that is because her kids are walking around right in front of me. How could I forget her? Then I realize even before I lived here, Debi was always on my mind. I didn't go a day without thinking about her. Still... I worry that Timmy will just be somebody that people will say something about once in awhile. He is my son! He was my hope and my dreams and my joy! He is not just somebody that is gone. So, I worry. I worry that Sebastian will not remember how much he loved him. How wonderful he was and how big of a heart he had. I worry he won't know what an amazing human being he was. I can show him videos and pictures all day long, but he won't remember the details. I go through my day trying to keep things in balance. I know he would want me to be happy and to share happiness with our family. I know this because I know that is how he lived. This past week, a few of of his friends have shared details with me about how Timmy changed their lives. Even a mom said how helped her son not be afraid of the Chick Fil A cow. Simple and silly, but has so much meaning to me. I realized they miss him and they love him too. That he won't be forgotten. He will live in their hearts. I wish I could tell my fear to just go away and stay away, but it doesn't work. I am so grateful to those that share their stories with me. It helps ease the fears and is one of many crazy everyday blessings .

Shopping with my girl...

I am a Kohls shopping addict. I have one department store credit card and it is for Kohls. If you use your card (and pay it off in full every month) you get FANTASTIC coupons for 30% off of everything including clearance. This past weekend, I took my mom to buy some things with that amazing coupon. I got Savannah up like 10 minutes before we were leaving because I thought we might find some great clearance. It took her no time to jump out of bed when she heard shopping for clothes might be involved. We found a couple pairs of jeans that came out to around $6 after clearance and coupon! Awesome! We were all starving and had to stop looking at the racks. The very next day, Sunday, I decided that Savannah and I should hit our other Kohls out by the mall on the off chance there were some more jeans. We rarely go out just the two of us. We almost always have Sebastian, my mom and my sister along for any shopping trip. But this Sunday, it was just me and my girl. We had a lot of fun looking through the clearance racks and oohhhinngg and ahhhhiinnggg over the great deals. We filled our cart and headed to the dressing room. I lounged on the sofa while she put on a fashion show! I was sitting and remembering back to modeling jeans for my mom when I was in high school. We had so much fun shopping for those clothes. Now I was sitting here with my little girl doing the same thing. My mind would linger between outfits. I thought about Timmy telling me how grown up she was looking. He kept asking me why she as growing up so quick these days. I told him that is just how it works. You blink and they bloom! I thought about how I had prayed for a girl. I wanted a girl so we could do things like go shopping for clothes together. I have been angry at God these days. I miss Timmy in every breathe I take. I sat there and watched my beautiful girl giggle and smile ear to ear over trying on clothes. I was a little less angry with God as I watched her. I wonder if I will ever feel complete joy again. I read message boards looking for my answer. Most say you won't ever feel complete happiness again when you lose a child. You get bits and pieces of it. Sunday, in a Kohls dressing room with my sweet Savannah was a bit and piece of happiness. She has a smile that can melt my heart and she has the love that gets me through my day. She is my girl. The girl I asked God for and He answered my prayer.

Sebastian, rain, a new day...

I haven't blogged in nearly a year. Several times over the past year, Timmy asked why I wasn't blogging. I think he actually looked forward to my blogs. I told him I was too busy. I was not inspired or whatever. He asked me to blog about Rose - Patrick's daughter. He asked me to blog about Patrick's wedding. He wanted me to find pictures from when they were little and put them with the new ones. For whatever reason, I told him I didn't have time. The last thing I said to Timmy was that I was busy and I would call him back. This has echoed in my mind for 2 months.

The other day I found this website that will make your blog into a book. I clicked on the demo for my blog. I was amazed at what I saw. I flipped though the pages and happily remembered daily things that I probably would have forgotten. It inspired me. It made me happy (and sad).

I started my blog many years ago because I was battling sadness over missing my sister-in-law, Debi. When she passed away, I missed our daily chats on the computer. I found blogging to be a way to express all my thoughts. I tried to focus on the Crazy Everyday Blessings. Now, I miss talking to Timmy every day. I would tell him all the little and BIG stuff. He was my best friend. I shared all my things with him.

So... I am hoping to blog a bit more. I am sad that I missed so much time. I am sad that those memories may be gone forever.

My first thing I want to remember is Sebastian saving me from the rain. Yesterday, we went to our friend, Wendy's. We left in the rain and it steadily got worse. It was horrible! When we got home, the kids made a run for it to the house. They had swim suits on. I did not. I sat in the quiet van for a few minutes. Sort of enjoying the peace and quiet. Then to my amazement, Sebastian came walking out of the house. He had changed his clothes and brought me an umbrella! He had the biggest smile on his face. He was so proud to RESCUE me! I want to remember that smile down the road. My hero!

My last baby starts school today...

We start school today. It is my 11th year of homeschooling. Savannah will be in 6th grade and Sebastian will be starting Kindergarten. I didn't plan it that way. Savannah's birthday is October 2nd. She really missed the cutoff and should be in 5th grade. When she was just about 5, I started her in school because she was ready. I was anxious to do all the cute stuff for a younger student. I started homeschooling Timmy in 5th grade, so I missed the early years of homeschooling. While it has been fine that Savannah started early, sometime last year I began to wish I hadn't started her early simply because it means she will be done with school a year earlier. All of a sudden I realized how fast she is growing up and I happy I would be if she were still in 5th grade this year. Academically, she really could fall into the 5th grade on some things, but past the 6th grade for others. So - in the end - she will move on from high school when she is ready - not because we will say she has completed 12th grade. That brings me to Sebastian. His birthday is September 30th. So, I faced the same decision with him. Pretty much since the beginning, I planned to keep him on the public school time table meaning that he would not start school until he was actually nearly 6 years old. He misses the cut off by 30 days this year, so he technically wouldn't be heading off to K right now. Well... the plans of mice and men... The boy is learning to read all on his own from absolutely NO HELP from me. I love all my children and they all have special gifts. Sebastian has a gift for learning and learning quickly. With many months of thought, I decided to start him with Kindergarten only I am not sure I am going to call him Kindergarten on paper. I guess I will still put him in his age level at church and for activities. I don't really know. What I do know is today my last baby is going to start school with us. Time sure does fly. Just yesterday I was walking Timmy home from Kindergarten calling him Timmy Pokey Molasses because he walked so slow. Actually - that yesterday - was 15 years ago. Time goes too fast.

Happy 4th...

Today is the Fourth of July. I would bet this is my oldest son's favorite holiday. He LOVES, LOVES, LOVES fireworks. So much that he sent money to his dad to buy fireworks so his little brother wouldn't be "deprived" of the excitement. When Timmy was a little boy he and his dad would "sneak" off to spend some ridiculous amount of money on fireworks. Then they would put on quite the show. I had to put my mom nerves aside and let them be. This was very tough for me. Over the years, it just became part of the holiday. I don't know that we ever actually celebrated the 4th of July thinking about the freedom it represented. I don't know if I actually even ever discussed it with my son. Sure, we covered history in school. He knew about the Declaration of Independence. I just don't think on the day of lots of food, fun and fireworks - did I ever once mention our country's freedom. Strange how that is, huh?

Last night, Tim pulled up a video for the song Bad Boys that is the theme for the Cops TV show. I guess my nephews were making a video and had titled it Bad Boys. That got him thinking about the song and he pulled it up. Sebastian was dancing around like a fool. I started to cry. Yep - that's a surprise - me crying. Tim asked what was wrong. I asked him he remembered Timmy dancing around like a fool to that song. He thought for a moment and then he did. Sebastian has the same dancing ability that Timmy used to have. It is the "I am going to kick the crap out of somebody" dance routine. Crazy!

I miss my son. I never, ever thought that there would be a 4th of July that he would be on the other side of the world fighting for the very FREEDOM the 4th of July represents. I never thought that I could miss him so much that my heart just hurts. I am so proud of him. We are all proud of him. Tim is going to take Sebastian and Savannah out in a little while to buy fireworks with that money Timmy sent. Then tonight, Sebastian is going to try to get right up there and light them. We are going to have to tell him 5000 times that he is not allowed to be that close. He will argue with us. He will tell us he is BIG and CAN DO IT. He will squeal as the fireworks light off into the air. He will jump around with excitement. And I will put my mom feelings aside and let him enjoy his night. I will tell him that his brother is a STRONG and PROUD SOLDIER in the US ARMY. I will tell him that he is serving his country and making sure that freedom remains intact. I won't forget to tell him about freedom and let him think it is just about burgers, swimming and fireworks. We will pray for all of of soldiers that keep us safe. God bless them and their families.

These days are busy...

My sister bought him some sunglasses to take to Floriday. We were waiting at Publix and he kicked back on the hammock. I guess that means it is summer - time to relax and have some fun!

As often as I hope to blog, I have something dragging me away. I thought summer would mean less on my plate, but the truth is that June is insanely busy! I don't have much on the calendar for July, but I am sure that is set to change rapidly. I have probably lost all of my readers because I have become that awful blogger I used to whine about. The one that sucked me into reading about her family that I didn't even know and THEN she just went away. I was like - EXCUSE ME - I have gotten used to starting my day reading your blog. How dare you abandon me like this? Yep, that is me. I think I put my finger on when my blogging went downhill. Sebastian stopped taking naps. Yep. Now, I go - go - go all day. I don't have a lot of free time that I can actually think. I have some free time, but I am pretty brain dead and then I just read other people's blogs and feel guilty about not writing on my own. Maybe I will get it together, but I am not sure.

In other news... we are in Florida! Savannah and I are here to go camping with her girl scout troop. Yes, I AM INSANE!!! Who drives from SC to FL to go camping for girl scouts? ME! Waving my hand in the air over here. Why would I do such a thing? Well, because we love our friends. They have been our friends for so long and we miss them. When we are with them, we feel joy and let's face it - life isn't always full of joy. You have to take it when you can get it. So, we are taking our joy and going camping for a few days. We will be canoeing and doing archery. We will be heading to Weeki Wachee Springs for the Mermaid Show and water park. We will eat some junk food (I am sure of it!). We will just enjoy ourselves and hopefully make some awesome memories that we will remember for years and years to come. It is an all girl holiday and I am looking forward to some time with my favorite girl. Tim will be at his parents hanging with Sebastian. They have some pretty big fishing plans. I don't know what else, but I am forcing myself to LET GO and just not worry about what Sebastian is doing. He will be fine. Dad will take good care of him and it will all be good. Do I sound convincing?

We went to the beach, yesterday. It was nice. I have pictures, but I can't get them on the computer. I was having a mini-panic attack that I had messed up all of our lives and we should have stayed in Florida. I am better now thanks to talking to my sister, Michelle. She talked me down from my panic attack. I have blog worthy stories to tell about that and more. I need to ask Keith for his wi-fi password when I get back. Maybe I could blog while Sebastian swims. Maybe there is a blog answer ahead! Gotta run! Lots of memory making needs to begin soon!

Good friends...

Tricia (or Patty as some of you know her as) and Me!!!

This is another "trip to Illinois" post. One of the main reasons I wanted to go to Illinois was to see my friends. These are my friends I grew up with. They are home. They are actually where I did begin in many ways. Tricia and I have been friends since we were 2 years old. We don't remember ever not being friends. She is my sister - my family. When I think of her I feel love. Sometimes we don't talk for awhile. There have been times when we haven't talked for close to a year. It doesn't matter - we are family. At this point - we hadn't seen each other in almost 6 years. She had never met Sebastian and I had yet to see her new baby boy, Shaun. When I got to Illinois - as luck would have it - her whole family was working on a remodeling project at the tanning salon they own. I waited for a little while and then her mom came to get me. I walked into the place and we just hugged and hugged some more. Then the tears came and I couldn't imagine why we had let 6 years go by without seeing each other. When I was a kid, I would have never thought we would go a week without seeing each other. I remember when I went to Wisconsin for 2 weeks. I thought the world would end because we would be apart for so long. We had a nice and exciting visit. Some of the excitement wasn't all that pleasant, but I am sure that is why God sent me to Illinois at this particular time. I was there for a reason and I am glad I was there at exactly that time.

Jorgena with her son, TJ.

My other bestest friend in the whole wide world is Jorgena aka Jorge. I have written about her before. We met when we were were 12 - nearly 25 years ago. Again, she is my family. She probably thinks I am nuts because she is not as mushy as I am. With Jorge - I have been lucky enough to see her quite a bit over the years. Her inlaws live in Florida and she would visit at least once a year. We would meet and spend the day shopping. I loved those days. Unfortunately, I now miss them because I am in SC now. It had been quite awhile since I had seen her and I was really excited to spend some time with her. We were talking a few times a month until she recently quit her job to be a full time stay at home mom. Now, I bug her once a week and babble on and on. I love her! I love talking with her and sharing stuff. I don't know why God gave me such good friends when I was young, but I am forever grateful. Jorge graciously opened her home to me and my kids. We pretty much moved in for a week and her family made us feel so welcomed. It was nice to have a place to go and just hang out with a good friend. I don't know if there are the right words to express how great of a friend she is. She is just always there, never judging, always listening.

Jorgena, Tricia, Me, Cari and Sebastian (who didn't want to get out of the picture!)

And... thanks to Facebook... I was able to meet up with an old friend that I hadn't seen in nearly 20 years. Her name is Cari - just like mine except with a C. We were good friends in High School. We actually were pregnant at the same time. Yes, we really were nice girls - just a little off the track. She had a beautiful daughter a few months before I had Timmy. She found me on Facebook a few months ago and I told her that I would let her know if I was ever back in town. She came and met us for dinner on my last night there. Tricia and Jorgena were friends with her in High School as well, so we all had a nice time together. Something that struck me as funny though was that Cari never had anymore children. Her daughter is all grown up. I, on the other hand, had Savannah and Sebastian with me. Sebastian had to poop to be BLUNT. All through dinner, he kept urgently telling me that he needed to go potty. I would jump up quickly - fearing a nasty accident - and run him off to the bathroom. After several attempts - nothing. I felt like a jack in the box - the way I kept jumping up during dinner. I apologized I don't know how many times and Cari was sweet. Finally, he was "done" and settled for a moment. Then there was Savannah that desperately wanted to talk and talk and talk some more. I sat and looked at how calm Cari was. It just made me giggle. I love my kids and I know without a doubt this is exactly what I wanted for my life. Sometimes it is nice to think about how calm I might actually be if I had just had Timmy though. Just for a second and then I am right back to being thankful for all of my kids and all of the chaos.

Visit with Great Grandma in Illinois...

Goofy boy on a Cow!

The kids with Great Grandma Gladys.

More ice cream pictures on my blog, imagine that!

She did one with a normal smile, but I like this one better.

While were were in Illinois, we got to have lunch with the kids' great grandma. Grandma Gladys is Tim's maternal grandmother. We met her at Colonial Ice Cream one day. I asked my friend, Jorgena to go along because we were staying with her. The minute I told her Colonial - she started to laugh. I was like, "What the heck is your problem?" Then I remembered. Colonial has some very odd memories for us. When we were teenagers her mom took us there from time to time. It just seemed like we went there after some kind of drama. Yes - my life was full of drama even back then. I will share one incident, but will keep the other to myself! Sorry, some secrets need to remain in the past. Anyway, the summer I was pregnant with Timmy - I spent a lot of time with Jorgena and her mom. It was because I LOVED my friend and maybe a little about the fact that she had air conditioning and my house didn't. So, one afternoon when it was blazing hot, we went to the tanning salon. The ac was broken. I sat in the waiting room and waited. I was getting so hot and I had the worst morning/all day sickness. Her mom, Sandy, sent me down to the White Hen Pantry to get something to drink. I was obsessed with Hawaiian Punch at this stage of my pregnancy. I gulped down this huge bottle of the stuff. Then we get in the car and Sandy (a part-time realtor at the time) proceeds to drive around town looking at houses. I am getting sicker by the moment. I am also a pretty shy person back then and hate to say - STOP DRIVING AROUND BEFORE I TOSS MY COOKIES!!! I am trying so hard to not throw up and then all of a sudden it is OVER!!! Before I even realize it is happening, I am throwing up HAWAIIAN PUNCH on the backseat floor of Sandy's husband's new car. Yep! I did it! It was so gross! I admit it. Sandy has no idea I am pregnant. The only people who know are Jorgena and Tim. She is so sweet and just takes me to her house and sends me to the bathroom. My friend, Jorgena is left to help her clean up the car. Yes, I still owe her for that one. Did I happen to mention that Sandy's husband is a super jerk. I mean he hated us! So, I throw up in his new car. Great! I come down, the car is clean, life it grand and Sandy announces that she feels we need to go to Colonial for dinner. That was the last time I had been there - nearly twenty years ago. Back to the present - we arrive at Colonial and meet Tim's grandma. Sebastian was silly as always. I had to get them ice cream because well, Colonial has great ice cream. It was a nice visit and I am glad we got to do it.