Timothy Neil Clayton II

March 5, 1989 - May 14, 2010

Death... it changes you. The first time I remember dealing with death was when my mom's best friend died. I remember my mom answering the phone and hearing the pain in her voice. I am not sure how old I was, but I remember seeing her standing there and I knew something was terribly wrong. When I was 8, my grandma died. I loved my grandma in some way, but not in the way my kids love my mom. I was sad she died, but more sad for my mom that her mom had died. I was terrified of going to the funeral and tried to give myself a fever by staying buried under my covers. I saw ghost faces on my door at night and was in general just freaked out. When I was 15, my sister, Michelle's baby Daniel died when he was 4 months old. He was born with heart defects and he never was able to come home from the hospital. Again, I wasn't very attached to this precious little baby, but my heart ached for my sister. I remember going to his funeral and seeing his tiny body in a tiny casket and thinking I can't believe my sister hasn't lost all her marbles. It was so very wrong. I remember watching my dad sob over the loss of his grandson. I hurt for my dad. I hurt for my sister. I hurt for our family, but I was still somewhat detached. When I was 23, I had a miscarriage. I was devastated. I wanted my baby back. Every part of me hurt and ached to hold my baby in my arms. I didn't understand and I grieved and I hoped to one day have another baby. Years went by - all of which my dad was very ill. The Mayo Clinic said he could die today, tomorrow or years from now. Nobody really knew. When I was 26, my dad was set to have more foot surgery (he had ulcers on his feet). It should have been routine. It wasn't. He died. Just like that - after 9 years of plugging along - a fairly easy surgery and he dies. I remember telling each one of my siblings that he had died. I remember telling my dad's siblings he had died. Nobody tells you that it sucks to tell people you love that your dad has died. My mom, as always, held it together. I get my hysterics from my dad's side of the family. I felt numb when my dad died. I was pregnant with Savannah and all I could think was he was never going to meet my baby girl. I really wanted him to know who she was. I wanted him to be proud of me and see my beautiful family. When I was 31, my best friend and my sister-in-law, Debi, was murdered. This death was the hardest for me at the time. I could not and would not accept that this was okay. I fought it with my mind and my soul. It hurt so much. I loved this person and we were friends and we shared so much and she was so good. She was like up there with Mother Teresa as far as being one of the most kindest and loving people ever. She didn't deserve to die. I struggled. I hurt and I hid it. I didn't talk about her death and how much I was hurting to many people. I just couldn't even say the words. It was just too difficult. I started this blog - to focus on the many blessings I had. It helped and slowly - so very slowly - I began to not hurt so much. When I was 38, my son died. Dear God... I have tried. I have tried to focus on my children and my blessings and I see them. I know they are there. I will never be the same. I will never not hurt. I will never not feel this ache that rocks me to the core. Nothing will ever compare to this. I have spent the last week going over and over things in my mind. Am I supposed to be past this? Am I supposed to be done grieving? Do I enable my children to have a crutch in their brother's death? Do I focus too much on Timmy being gone? The truth is I don't know. I don't know the answer to those questions anymore than I know the answer to WHY!!!!??? WHY!!!!!???? WHY!!!!???? little baby boys are born and never get to come home from the hospital or why miscarriages happen or why parents die young or why loving mothers are taken from their children or why, GOD, why did you take my sweet, sweet boy? I don't know. I can't answer that. I can say with all certainty that death changes you. It changes your family. It changes every thing in your life. It can fill you with fear and guilt and uncertainty. It makes you doubt all the things you thought you knew. It makes your children vulnerable. It makes them fearful and insecure. And that makes you feel like a lousy parent because more than anything in this world you want your children to feel happy. So, my best guess is that we are right where we are supposed to be. There is no timetable for this. There is no magic potion. Some people will understand and others will get tired of the same old song. I will make no apologies for my family. I will not expect my children to get over, get past, get around the loss of their brother. He was a damn good brother and they loved him. When my husband asks me to take a photo of Timmy off my facebook because it is killing him to see him staring back at him - I will do it even though it is killing me to take that photo down. I do this because I understand that we are all fighting our own battle. I understand that it is painful and ongoing and long. Death changes you... there is no sugar coating it. The only blessing in that is that some how, some way, I still believe that some day I will understand and there will be no more tears.

Oh my goodness... I forgot to teach Sebastian to use scissors!

Okay, I didn't really forget to teach Sebastian to use scissors. And in my defense, he CAN use them - sorta. I mean he can certainly cut the top of an ice pop off with scissors. Does that all the time with not a single problem. So, I guess it is not has bad as it could be. How did this happen? Well - I will call it 3rd child syndrome. You see my first child went to school until he began 5th grade. He went to a fantastic Pre-K class when he was 4 years old. The very sweet and incredibly patient - Miss Mysliewick - taught my amazing first born son how to do things like cut and paste and color in the lines. She taught him a ton of amazing things. Then he entered the system and he regularly cranked out age appropriate art work. My second child - my only daughter has always been homeschooled. So, she must have the same teaching experiences as Sebastian, right? Nope! My beautiful little 3 year old girl started at a homeschool co-op and Daisy Scouts. She took preschool art with Miss Sherry and Hands On Science with Miss Susie. She did girl scout projects from the teeny tiny age of 4. I bought her a lovely crayon, glue and scissors box, tucked it in her bag and sent her off to these amazing women that taught her all these wonderful things. I sat quietly in some vacant room of a church while they enriched her life. THEN - I had my last and youngest son. When he was 3 years old and just getting to co-op age... I did the craziest thing. I MOVED to another state. For some reason, Miss Susie did not want to move from Florida to South Carolina to teach my son how to cut and paste. I have no idea why that wasn't at the top of her list. Well, as life happens, things got busy for me. I spent a good deal of time focusing on Savannah's school from grades 5-7. I had mini-classes at my house with friends. We all had little preschool boys and we just let them run around and play while we did stuff with the bigger kids. I reasoned that Sebastian pretty much taught himself to read and do math. He is super smart. He is well beyond his 1st grade scope and spectrum. Then - last year happened. I did my best to do school and we did accomplish a lot of the 3 R's. Not so much of the fun stuff though. So, THIS IS THE YEAR - I said. I am going to make crafts and sing songs and do the fun cutesy stuff with him. Savannah is working pretty much independent. I give her a schedule and she (in the same room as me) works through it. Finally, that youngest son of mine is going to get a whole lot of attention. I printed a Fruit of Spirit lapbook about 8 weeks ago. We painted ONE page of it. Then I don't know where it went to. I printed and cut out a Money Lapbook. He was unimpressed and let's face it - he already knows all of his money facts and can add or subtract money just fine. What was I thinking? You may be asking why lapbooks? Well, I did a lot of lapbooks with Savannah and her cousins. Sebastian genuinely showed an interest in them. I spent a lot of time telling him they were too advanced for him. My other reason is that I like lapbooks. I am the teacher - so sometimes I just pick what I like! So there! I also like that I can pick and choose what to add to them. For instance - take today - I decided to do a Thanksgiving lapbook with him. Now, I already have 2 ready made lapbooks for Thanksgiving or Autumn. I like each of them, but one seems a bit hard for him and the other is just so good and so full of info that I would prefer to hang onto it until next year. We will be out of town for 10 days in November - so our time is a bit limited. That set me on a hunt for a perfect blend of art, writing, and knowledge for a completely Sebastian lapbook. After hours of googling - I narrowed it down to several pages that had copy work involved. Sebastian is weakest in handwriting and super advanced in reading. I am trying to work in handwriting a bit more with each passing day. He loves his Handwriting Without Tears books, but is not so keen on just writing words out of the workbook. So, I make this adorable scarecrow book. It has the same scarecrow on each page - you just change the sentence under it on each page. The first page says, "My hat is orange." He then copies that sentence and colors the hat orange. The next page says, "My shirt is blue." and so on. Well, my brilliant child says, "Why do I have to WRITE this?" I tell him because he needs to practice his writing skills. He replies, "Well, YOU typed it! Why can't I just TYPE it?" Smart cookie there. I tell him very patiently that I typed it to give him clear idea of what is expected of him, but if I had to - I could, in fact, write. Then he goes on to say, "Why does each sentence say "MY" shirt, coat, etc? It is not "MY" shirt, it is his!" Well, he had a point there. So - we made it through half the pages, but I am not giving up! We will complete this stinking scarecrow book by the end of the week. We also pasted together a pilgrim boy and girl. I did the cutting and he just assembled. Savannah did this same project when she was younger. Somehow - not the same. Next up, was a simple book about the First Thanksgiving. It was 8 pages printed on two standard sheets of paper. His goal - to cut out the 8 rectangles and staple the booklet together. Simple, right? Well, er, ummm, not so much. He didn't do a horrible job, but he was not happy. He was complaining the entire time. Why do I have to do this? When will I need to cut stuff? Why can't somebody else do it for me? I will get a job where I will have a helper to cut stuff out for me. Yep, that is my boy... he is already envisioning a personal assistant to do the mundane work for him. We pushed ahead and cut that pain in the bleep book out and then he read it with great ease and glued it down. I am glad we did all of this today. I am a little perplexed on how he got to be 7 and slid right by me on these little things, but I guess that is life. I am determined he will, however, learn to cut his own pages before he heads to the office and assigns that task to somebody! I want to know if he is stuck on a deserted island somewhere and needs to create a lapbook from scratch - that he will have the skills! I think I am going to need a lot of patience the next few months...

Breakfast for dinner

I have no idea why I am writing about this, but I am. This afternoon as I was driving home from picking Savannah up - I decided that breakfast for dinner sounded like a wonderful idea. We seem to go in spurts on this and sometimes it is a simple affair - just eggs and toast. Tonight, I felt like making homefries, pancakes, eggs and toast. Why I would choose this on a night where I needed to be somewhere - I have no idea. I just did. I was sitting at the table peeling potatoes and I started remembering my mom cooking breakfast for dinner. I could see her crystal clear in my mind standing at the stove in our house on Scarsdale. She would make eggs, pancakes, and minute steaks. Sometimes she would make homefries too. My mom was a way nicer mom than I usually am because she would make the eggs to order for each of the 6 of us. Most of the time when I do it - everyone is getting their eggs cooked the same. I moved from peeling those potatoes into the kitchen to make pancakes. As I stood there waiting for them to bubble - I could hear her telling me that the little bubbles let me know it was time to flip them. My mom has taught me so many things. It is strange to me how some of those things are like they happened yesterday. I guess breakfast for dinner is a comfort food for me because it reminds me of when life was so easy and the biggest thing I was facing was flipping the pancakes at the right time. It sure would be nice to go back in time for a visit to watching my mom cook breakfast for dinner and having all 6 of us sit around the table enjoying it.

Little pieces of Sebastian's heart

Yesterday, I got a message from a woman at church - Kristen - about having Sebastian sing a song with another child for the Christmas play. That got my mind thinking and rolling around what has happened in his life in the last 17 months. I decided I should write it down because even though some of it is very painful, some of it is very much filled with hope. I guess really this post starts when Sebastian was just in my belly and had a few months until he was born. We had gone for an ultrasound and found out he was a boy! Timmy and Savannah were both with us. Savannah sat on the ground in true 5 year old behavior and cried because this new baby was not only a boy, but he was due on her birthday! The horrors of it all! Timmy, on the other hand, leaped into the air did one of those ALRIGHT moments of "I am having a brother!" Two completely different reactions. Time passed and we welcomed Mr. Sebastian into our world. His momma was still somewhat of a mess from losing her best friend a year earlier. As much as I love Sebastian and we chose to have him because of my hurting heart - there were days I thought this tiny baby was getting short changed because his momma was a bit frazzled at best. He did have an awesome big brother(and an equally wonderful big sister) that helped out when he was home. At one point, I even left my little 2 year old Sebastian with his brother and dad for 6 days while I took Savannah to Williamsburg. Everyone thought I should have worried about leaving my baby with my 17 year old... in truth I was a bit more worried about the days my husband had him all day! After all, Timmy had been home with Sebastian since the day he was born. He knew all his quirks and all of his routine. My husband, on the flip side of the coin, had been at work most days. Time flew by as it often does and Timmy was soon leaving for the Army. Sebastian was not quite 4 when he left. I remember telling Timmy over and over that if he joined the service - the kids wouldn't know him. I told him how I was so extremely close to my oldest sister, but when she married and moved away when I was 12 - our closeness fell away. I was worried about it and if you know me at all - that means I obsessed about it. Then there was my oldest son, wise and kind. He wrote letters and sent pictures and text messages and he called. Oh yes, he called. He would talk to me and he would talk to Sebastian. Not as much as I would have liked in hindsight, but that is a different post. Don't ask me about my lack of using SKYPE - I literally and I do mean literally have a mini panic attack when I see it on the screen because I am so sad for not using it more. Time will heal that as it does other things. Anyway, I am getting off track. My point is that Timmy stayed connected to his siblings. He let them know they were important to him and that they loved him. When Timmy died, Sebastian had the unfortunate event of not getting told in a gentle manner. He was in the van when I pulled into the driveway that day. He saw me, my mom and my sister completely lose it as we saw the two soldiers standing there. He saw me beat on my steering wheel and scream. He was just 5 years old and he did not deserve that. Savannah was not at home. I was able to take her aside and hold her and tell her. Sebastian spent time away from me that day and I remember at some point telling my friend April that she needed to bring him home right now. I guess in my haze it hit me that HE needed me. When she brought him home - he went to his room and he began kicking his wall as hard as he could. Then he fell into my arms and he cried. Not his usual "I am being a pain in the butt kid" cry, but the kind that was he had just lost his big brother cry. For weeks, he would kick that wall. For the next year, he had meltdown after meltdown. I mean crumbling in to what I call snotty fits - where the tears are rolling and the snot is flying. Not pretty and sometimes frustrating. Enough to make me insane at some times. I just wanted to sit at the park with my friends and heal a bit, but my Sebastian was crying over everything. We tried lots of things and lots of people had "advice". Tim and I talked about it over and over. All at once it hit me. I was crying everyday. Sure, most days, I did it quietly, but not always. Some days I cried so hard and there was nothing that was going to make it stop. I was 38 years old and I was crying and having snotty fits. I just had the sense to go sit on my closet floor to do it. Why on earth would I expect my 5 or 6 year old child to do better? When I realized that - it changed how I dealt with it. I knew I couldn't allow him to just get angry and throw fits, but I also knew that it had some reason to be there. His anger came from pain in his heart and that is real. I thought about how I sat alone in my closet and cried until I felt better. I began sitting him alone when he had a meltdown. If we were at the park - I would open all the van doors and sit him in the van. Pretty soon, he actually knew the drill and sometimes would tell me he just needed to be by himself for a bit. I am happy to say that today we are not having nearly as many trials with him. There are some people that helped along the way and that brings me back to the very beginning of this story. Last winter as I was walking through Walmart, I saw our youth pastor, Oakley and his wife, Kristen. Now, they don't know this, but they will now if they ever read this. I actually saw them and I walked through the clothes aisle to avoid them. WHY would I do that, you might be wondering? Well, because Tim and I had taken Sebastian out of church for that time. Too many meltdowns at church was very trying on both Sebastian and me. So, I didn't want to come face to face with them. Then it happened. Kristen called over to me, "Sebastian's mom... Sebastian's mom." I stopped and turned. She came over and very sweetly told me how much they missed Sebastian at church. I explained the above. I worried she would think I was a bad mom taking my kid out of church and all. She didn't act that way at all. She was very kind and continued to be kind each Sunday when I did NOT bring Sebastian back to church. A couple of months passed. We decided it was time to give it a try again. I would love to end the story with something like Sebastian never had another meltdown again at church, but that would be a fairy tale ending. He had and continues to have some good days and some bad days. Not nearly as many bad days anymore. People like Kristen, and Anne Marie another great woman that helps at the church and Margie head of the children's department were patient with him. And there are others inside and outside of church that love him broken and all. They didn't expect him to be all fixed and perfect. They understood that his heart was broken into a lot of little pieces and it was going to take a lot of time to try to fit the pieces back into place. When I got that message asking him to have a specific part in the Christmas play, it was just fitting one more of the pieces in place. It is just a tiny verse that he gets to sing, but the fact that they love him enough to know that this may be a challenge and that they are willing to take it. That says something. I know his heart won't hurt as bad forever and I am glad of that. At the same time, I will always be sad that as his heart heals - it means he will miss his brother less. It is bittersweet. With the pain comes little pieces of joy when you least expect them.

Finding good in the bad...

I have spent months and month thinking about and replaying conversations I had with Timmy. We talked a lot on the phone each day and to be truthful... most of those conversations were forgettable. They were just the typical - I need to run to Walmart and why won't Savannah get her school done and I wonder what we should have for dinner types of conversations. Timmy would call just about every weekday morning when he woke up. It would be around 10am our time. Then he would call again around 4pm and then usually again around 9pm. We talked a lot about nothing at all and sometimes about everything. I wish I had paid more attention. I took it for granted. Tim told me something awhile back that may be the sweetest and kindest thing he ever said to me. He said he firmly believes that because we homeschooled Timmy that he was used to talking to me everyday. Afterall, when you are 11 years old, in the 5th grade and are home all day with your 1 year old sister and your mom... who else are you gonna talk to? Tim says he thinks it got our kids in the habit of sharing their thoughts with me. It just continued when Timmy moved 3500 miles to Alaska and even when he went to the other side of the world in Iraq. Only in Iraq instead of phone calls in was im's. It was a gift. A gift that sometimes I didn't even realize I had. I know it now and it is painfully clear from the silence of my cell phone.  Anyway, that wasn't what I was really coming here to write about - but I got sidetracked. In one of our conversations, I remember complaining about Savannah and Sebastian. Something I probably did a lot. To be honest, the last few years were HARD in a lot of ways and I wasn't feeling all that great about the world. So, sometimes I was just plain and simple an Eeyore. So, Timmy asks me, "Why do you always complain about your kids... the ones you wanted so much?" It was pretty darn blunt... that was my boy... just like his mom. I sorta stopped and I said something to the effect that I was tired and stressed and did I mention... tired? He laughed at me. He said something about me getting old. Yep - that would be correct. I am older and more tired and more busy. So, I complained a lot about really nothing at all. Just to be complaining, I guess. In all the months I have been thinking about things, I try to find whatever good I can in this horrible journey I didn't ask to be on. One of the things that came to my mind was that I needed to enjoy Savannah and Sebastian more. The way I did Timmy. When we had Timmy - our lives were much, much simpler. We had pretty easy jobs, very little bills, not a whole lot of stress. Our life was predictable. For 9+ years we lived that way. I don't know why it changed, but it did. The day I found out Timmy had died, I did something that I still don't quite understand why or how. I went to the bookshelf and I got a book for Sebastian. I hadn't read him bedtime stories nearly his entire life. I am not exactly sure why I didn't, but I didn't. I had always read to Timmy and I read to Savannah until Sebastian came around. I didn't understand exactly why that came to my mind on that night. I was beyond numb and not thinking at all, but I thought enough to do that. Since then, I have been reading to him most nights. Earlier this week, I had some clarity on that when I remembered him asking me, "why do you always complain about the kids?" There IT was... the simple good that comes from the bad. When you lose a child you love more than your very own life, you need to make some sort of sense of it. I think that I have learned to enjoy my other kids more. That is not to say that I don't complain about them. Just ask my mom - she will tell you I still complain plenty. I will always have Eeyore deep down in me somewhere. I just try to do it less and less and I try to focus on what makes them the best gifts I could have ever received. That is finding good in the bad.

Soaking it all in...

Back in June, we took the kids on a vacation to St. John Virgin Islands. Now if you have read my blog since the beginning, you know that Tim and I went there two other times without kids. We loved it both times. We spent a lot of the time saying things like, "Wow, Timmy would love this stingray or Savannah would have a blast feeding the iguanas!" Sebastian was just a baby the other times we went. It just didn't seem reasonable to take all the kids with Sebastian still being so small. So, we did what a lot of parents do... just talk about how great it would be for the kids to see it. And... there is nothing wrong with that. Nope, not one tiny little thing. BUT... for us that has changed. For a long time since our life got on a financial roller coaster in 2006 (trying to sell a house that would not sell, moving, layoffs, new job, etc) - I would dream about selling that darn FL house and taking all of us to St. John. That dream included Timmy too. I envisioned this great peace that would come from all the uncertainty we had been living in since late 2006. It was becoming clearer to me by the end of 2009 that we were not going to sell the FL house anytime soon, so my dreams of that vacation were quickly fading away. Timmy did something amazing though... he took us all to Walt Disney World. And we really did have a magical vacation as corny as that sounds. I had no idea that would be the last time we would spend with him. It is etched and soaked in my memories so deep. Lots of details I hold so close to my heart. Sometimes when my grief hurts so much, I think about how much fun we had walking around Epcot trying out all the different beer. I think about running to Splash Mountain with my kids. I try to grasp on so tight to the good memories and not the horrific ones of losing Timmy that flash through my mind. So, what does all this mean? Well, after some of the fog wore off and Tim and I started to see a bit more clear - we both felt very strongly about a time to relax and heal with our kids. One thing led to another and the next thing I know... we are off to St. John. Now, I firmly believe that you can enjoy your kids at a pond in your backyard or a tent at the local campground. It isn't where you are, but who you are with. Remembering back to traveling to Oklahoma when Timmy was in Basic Training... that was one of our best trips EVER. I think it was just because we were all so happy that the icing on that trip's cake was Timmy was at the very end of it waiting for us. Lawton Oklahoma is NOT an exciting place, but I think of that trip with the best and warmest of memories. But, somehow, taking our kids to St. John - a place we loved. A place that just clears your mind and soul. It was just what we needed. I sat on the beach many days and just watched my kids and my husband. I sware I memorized every inch of them. I would close my eyes and I would stick it away in the part of my heart that hurts so much. I wanted to just hold them in that moment for as long as I could. I sat and I talked to God - in my mind - lest you see a crazy woman on the beach talking to herself. I just told Him that I was trying my very best to understand that I will NEVER understand why Timmy had to go away, but I am going to trust that He had a  reason beyond all imagination. I thanked Him for giving me the years and memories I had with Timmy and for giving me two other children to hang on to. I asked Him to help me keep going and doing the best I can. And when I was calm and rested, I sat back in my chair and I just watched quietly... I just soaked it all in...

Be a Tabitha...

This is our Tabitha with Timmy!

Huh? What does my title mean? To some people in my family - they really are wondering because we have an amazing family member by the name of Tabitha. And while I do think it would be great to be like our very own Tabi - that is not what my title is talking about. Several months ago I heard a message at church about Tabitha in the Bible. Now, these days and most days - my memory is not that great. That day this message touched me and I wanted to blog about it then. I have no idea what keeps me from my blog now. I used to crave writing on it and even now - I write blog posts in my head. I just never sit down to type them up. Here I am many months later - cleaning the kitchen - and in my mind I am rolling that "Be a Tabitha" sermon in my head. Okay, I will get to telling you what it means now if you don't already know. I sure a lot of you already do know the story, but I sure didn't. So here goes... Pastor John was talking about Acts 9:32-43 - Calvary Chapel Lesson. He was talking about how this woman, Tabitha, had died. There were people gathered around her and they kept her with them. They did not take her to a tomb. They wanted to keep her with them and they begged Peter to BRING HER BACK! Tabitha was described as an amazing woman. She made clothes for the widows. She loved people and was just beautiful inside and out. When she died - it just tore these people apart. They could not believe that she could be gone and they WANTED HER BACK! Pastor John goes on to say that we should be the type of people that when we die that somebody WANTS US BACK! As I sat there listening to him, I thought about how many people want Timmy back. How many people has said this to me over and over. We just WANT HIM BACK! We didn't just want him back a year ago when he died, but we still want him back right now. I also thought a lot about my sister-in-law, Debi. Again - over 7 years later - if you talked to the many, many people she touched - they would say they WANT HER BACK! There are many people that have gone before me that I want back, but my mind stuck with them. I kept thinking that they were truly "Tabithas". They were beautiful on the inside and out. They loved people and gave anything they had to them. When people tell stories about them and all the good times they shared, they smile and they remember joy. I remember when Debi died - there were so many people at her memorial service. I sat in that church and just looked at all the people she had touched. I thought about that for awhile after - thinking I don't reach out to that many people by a long shot. Then when Timmy died - again - I sat in the limo at the cemetary and I watched. I watched as car after car drove into the cemetary. I watched all the lives he had touched in his short 21 years. A year later - the people that talk about him - they are spread from Alaska to Afghanistan to Florida to Illinois to South Carolina and a whole lot more places in between. So, what am I saying... I am saying that I want to be a "Tabitha". When I am gone - I want people to want me back. I want people to miss me and not because I have a big ego. I want them to important to me and I want to be important to them. Now, back to our very own - Tabi - she was named very well. She happens to be one of those "Tabithas" too. So, my question for today is "Are you being a Tabitha?" Are you teaching your children that no matter what their difficulty is that they can still be a good and kind person? There are a lot of days where I would like to give up and give in - hey my kid died - I want to lay down and die too! BUT and this is a BIG BUT - I CAN'T - because that would not be teaching my children how to be a "Tabitha". That would be teaching them how to be alone. So, I keep thinking about this and I hope you do too. Go out and be a Tabitha and find and give JOY even when you feel like you can't. Make somebody WANT YOU BACK!  I love you Timmy and I will always want you back.

Joy, weddings, tornadoes, and choices...

just went for a walk this morning. Amazing how I can get better clarity by leaving the house and walking around the block. Before I left for my walk, it was weighing heavily on me that it has been 50 weeks since I last talked to Timmy. 50 weeks since he died. Yes, I keep track of weeks. I guess as mothers we naturally keep track of weeks - like when we were pregnant. 50 weeks ago this morning, he called me around 10am - as he did a lot. It was his wake up time there and he would call to chat for a bit before his day started. He called me later on that afternoon to chat and I will forever regret that my last words to him were that I was busy and that I would call him back. The thing is that I know that there is not a DAMN thing I can do about that. So, I can continue to torture myself for that or I can choose something else. This morning, I am choosing something else. There is a lot of hoopla about the Royal Wedding that happened earlier this morning. I taped it on the DVR. Honestly, before now, I never paid much attention to William or Kate. Yesterday, the kids and I watched lots of shows about the wedding and history of the past. Savannah painted my toenails while I clipped coupons and Sebastian played with legos. It was a quiet and peaceful afternoon. Today, we are headed to the zoo with friends. Before we go - we are going to go take a peak at the wedding dress, but will have to watch the rest of it when we get back. It may seem silly since there are so many other things to think about. Here is the thing for me... I can choose to be sad. Lord knows my heart hurts all day everyday. I wish for a moment I could let people who don't know what it feels like to just feel it. It is this physical pain that is deep in your chest. It does not go away. So, as I was saying, I could give into it. I could sit and watch all the horrific news stories and wallow in how awful the world is and how life is not fair - afterall - my Timmy is dead. Or I can get up and take my Sebastian in my lap, hug him and say "Good Morning Bubba Luka". I can go walk around my neighborhood and be thankful that I live in a safe place and I have a body that carries me. I can watch the Royal Wedding with my daughter and giggle about what it might feel like to be a real live princess. It really is a choice to choose joy. That doesn't mean I won't continue to pray for tornado victims. I will, I do think about the fact that nearly 300 families have lost a loved one. I realize that means that there is another mom out there - just like me - feeling like her baby is so far away. My best advice for those people is to find joy and seek joy. Now, I need to get a shower and take a peak at that wedding dress and go to the zoo. Always missing my son, always wishing he were here, but choosing to find the JOY where I can.

The Kissing Hand

I know I haven't written a blog post in months. My heart just hasn't been there. Tonight, Sebastian did something that I don't want to forget. These days, I couldn't even remember my phone number tonight. I worry that I will look back on this time and it will all be some fog. I will just remember the pain and not the happiness. A few months back, I read Sebastian a book called The Kissing Hand. Tonight, I was laying in bed with Sebastian. He asked if he could have my hand. He kissed my hand and said, "You'll have my kiss in your hand for when you are sad and missing Timmy. I love you so much momma." Then he just hugged me and kept giving me kisses. I do not know how I would survive if I didn't have these kids. Savannah is always there to hug me and hold me when I cry and then my sweet boy. I love these kids so much.

Walt Disney World and Mars...

When Tricia Gabehart Riley and I were 5 years old, she took a trip to Walt Disney World. At that time, we spent every summer playing together EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. Her family very rarely went on a long vacation. When they said FLORIDA - it felt like they were saying MARS. I remember hugging her in the driveway and feeling like the world just might end. Soon a post card from WDW arrived. It as Pooh Bear in front of the castle. I carried that card around until the long two weeks came to an end. She arrived home and we ran across our front yards. She had a Mickey Mouse cup with ears and a straw for me. She also had a Shamu stuffed animal for her. I remember asking her, "Who is Shamu?". When I was 19, Tim and I went to Magic Kingdom for the very first time on our 1 year anniversary. We didn't bring Timmy - just us! I was so excited to finally go to the place I had dreamed about since I was 5. Over the next 17 years, our family was very blessed to go to Disney many, many times. Tricia never made it back to Disney since the time she was 5. On Halloween, we will be meeting each other in WDW. Her daughter's birthday is November 2nd. We are going to go trick or treating in Magic Kingdom. I carry around pain in my heart all day, every day - but this morning I am so excited that I am going to that MARS place with my best friend!

Home

I have actually written about where I grew up before, but it has been on my mind a lot lately. Partially because of the song above and partially because sometimes when I think about escaping reality, I think about going "home". Home for me was 3 Scarsdale Road in Boulder Hill. We moved there when I was 2. I remember doing summersalts on the green carpet in the upstairs living room. The house was empty and seemed so big. My life that I remember began there. I met my best friend, started school, learned to read, went to girl scouts, had lemonade stands, played school, met my first and only love and brought Timmy home there. Most of my memories from 3 Scarsdale Road are amazing. I am one of the lucky ones that can say that. I have very few bad memories from growing up. My parents loved me. They loved my friends and they loved Tim. I remember sitting on the stairs watching out the big picture window when there was something on my mind or bothering me. It was like a secret hiding place even though it was fully visible. I could fit on that stair and just look at the world go by. I have thought about sitting there a lot. It would be peaceful to sit there right now and watch the world go by. I just went home to Illinois, but I didn't go past the house. I thought about it, but just didn't do it. When Tim and I got pregnant with Timmy when I was 16, this was the home I came to. My mom and dad didn't kick me out or anything like that. They made a home for Timmy. I remember his room. It had paneling, so my sister-in-law, Debi told me to use wrapping paper to cut out some wall hangings. I used Snoopy with balloons. I cut out the words "Timmy's Room" and added some paper balloons. I am just now realizing that Sebastian had Snoopy crib bedding. I must have a Snoopy issue I didn't realize I had. I guess my want to escape there is that is where I first had Timmy. Not all was right with the world. My dad was very sick. It was a hard time after I had Timmy, but Timmy brought so much happiness. There is a part in this song that says,

"I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
this brokenness inside me might start healing.
Out here its like I'm someone else,
I thought that maybe I could find myself"

Every time I hear that part, it makes me cry. I think that when I went home to Illinois that I hoped that it would help the pain. It did some. My friends and family are amazing. I am so incredibly blessed to have two childhood friends that get me. They let me be who I need to be and they don't run away. They remember when Timmy was just a crazy plan that Tim and I had. They remember summer driver's ed and morning sickness. They remember me having a baby in high school and never even for a minute stopping our friendship. I don't think it helped heal me though. I think I came away just as broken as I was before. If not a bit more because I saw how so much had changed there. My baby wasn't there anymore than he is here. You really can't go home to fix the brokenness inside, but you can go home to for a moment feel the love of family.

Sisters...

I know I just posted about my friends, but I just got this in an email from a friend. Seen it before, but somehow the words are ringing in my ears today. I had a wonderful week with my oldest friends. I sat in TGIFridays and cried to Jorge she just held my hand and listened. I drove through cornfields and Tricia understood exactly how the loss of a child felt. She let me cry and hugged me. I do not know what I would do without my family and friends right now or ever.

A young wife sat on a sofa on a hot humid day, drinking iced
tea and visiting with her mother. As they talked about life, about
marriage, about the responsibilities of life and the obligations of
adulthood, the mother clinked the ice cubes in her glass thoughtfully and
turned a clear, sober glance upon her daughter.

"Don't forget your Sisters," she advised, swirling the tea
leaves to the bottom of her glass. "They'll be more important as you get
older. No matter how much you love your husband, no matter how much you
love the children you may have, you are still going to need Sisters.
Remember to go places with them now and then; do things with them.

"Remember that 'Sisters' means ALL the women...your
girlfriends, your daughters, and all your other women relatives too.

"You'll need other women. Women always do."

What a funny piece of advice, the young woman thought. Haven't
I just gotten married? Haven't I just joined the couple-world? I'm now a
married woman, for goodness sake! A grownup! Surely my husband and the
family we may start will be all I need to make my life worthwhile!

But she listened to her mother. She kept in contact with her
Sisters and made more women friends each year. As the years tumbled
by,one after another, she gradually came to understand that her Mom really
knew what she was talking about. As time and nature work their changes and
their mysteries upon a woman, Sisters are the mainstays of her life.
After many years of living in this world, here is what I've learned:

Time passes.
Life happens.
Distance separates.
Children grow up.
Jobs come and go.
Love waxes and wanes.
Men don't do what Sisters do.
Hearts break.
Parents die.
Colleagues forget favours.
Careers end.

BUT--------
Sisters are there, no matter how much time and how many miles
are between you.

A girlfriend is never farther away than needing her can reach.

When you have to walk that lonesome valley and you have to walk
it by yourself, the women in your life will be on the valley's rim,
cheering you on, praying for you, pulling for you, intervening on your behalf,
and waiting with open arms at the valley's end.

Sometimes, they will even break the rules and walk beside you.
Or come in and carry you out.

Girlfriends, daughters, granddaughters, daughters-in-law, sisters,
sisters-in-law, Mothers, Grandmothers, aunties, nieces, cousins,and extended
family, all bless our life!

The world wouldn't be the same without women, and neither would I.

When we began this adventure called womanhood, we had no idea of the
incredible joys or sorrows that lay ahead. Nor did we know how much we
would need each other. Every day, we need each other still.
Author unknown

The alarm clock (or lack of one)

This is going to sound like a silly post. I wanted to find a time to blog all week, but I just didn't get there. One of the mornings, I was laying there in bed thinking about my blog. It occurred to me that one of my very favorite things about my life is a simple luxury that most do not have. Sleep. I pretty much get 9 hours of sleep a night. That was never the case when I worked outside the home. I was either up early or working late into the night. These days, the alarm goes off for Tim at 5:30. That is the first one. I turn it off and we cuddle for 15 minutes until the second alarm goes off. We started that routine over 10 years ago and we still love it. Then, typically, I scoot him out of bed. These days I am getting up and taking Scout (our chiuaua) out. I hate that, but I am doing it. Then I go back to sleep for a good two hours (okay, sometimes 3... but I try to be up in 2.) That is a sweet, sweet luxury and I guess I would call it an every day blessing to me because I love waking up on my own time. Sebastian comes in lots of mornings and sneaks into Tim's spot. He is always so sweet and snuggly. Again one of my very favorite times of the day when he snuggles up to me and gives me a big kiss. Just awesome! So, while lots of people are getting up to alarms this next week or so and rushing their kids off to school... I will be snuggling with my hubby and then with my little Bubba Luka. Simply perfect.

My girl has got a groove...

Here is something that makes me SMILE. Savannah sings this song from the back of the van. I can see her in my child mirror. She sorta sways her head to the music and has the groove. My girl has rhythm. I have no idea where she got it from because neither Tim nor I have it. She knows the words to everything and can get the beat just perfect. Every time I hear this song, it makes me smile because I see her just letting herself be free and happy! Oh and the video is pretty funny too!

“When it hurts to look back, and you're scared to look ahead, you can look beside you and your best friend will be there.”

I have had many friends in my life. I met my first friend when I was 2 - Tricia or Patty or whatever she may want to be called today. She was and still is one of my best friends. There were other friends on and off growing up. Then I met Jorgena when I was 12. Yep, she is still my best friend. Both of these friends live in Illinois - where we grew up. They will always be my friends. I call them all the time because I am a chatty phone person. I like to talk on the phone while I clean my house. It is a relaxing thing for me. I met Debi before we moved to FL. We were sister in laws, but we were best friends too. Then there are the friends I have in Florida. Cindy - she is always taking care of me. I don't know what I would do without her. She helped be plan Timmy's funeral. I didn't know what to do or who to call and it seemed that every decision was just too huge for me to figure out. I called her and she didn't hesitate to help me. Then there is Vickie, Mazie and Susie and a newish friend Heidi that helped with everything. They are amazing friends that love me. I also have friends I used to work with that are still my friends even though I haven't worked in 4 years. Linda and Anita are always there when I need them. I had old friends that came to Timmy's service. I was in awe of people I hadn't seen in years, but they came. When I moved here, I was so lonely. I missed my friends. I have lots of family here, but they are busy with their lives. I missed the kind of connection of getting together on a weekday afternoon to talk about nothing or everything. As I said, I am a chatty person. I crave talking to people. I don't do well if I can't talk and talk and talk some more. I have met the most amazing people here. Christina - she is so wise for being younger. She is always there to tell me it is okay. April - she is a nut and makes me laugh. Sam - quiet, but cares so much. There are so many more friends here. I am getting to know more and more wonderful and amazing women each day I am here. They are kind to me and send me emails and messages that are so comforting. I went bowling today and met up with two ladies I don't know well, but they were so sweet to me. I have Laurie who is more of family than a friend. She is just fun to hang out with. Of course, I have my mom and my sister. They are family, but they are my best friends. Years ago, when Timmy was about 3, I had a friend named Beth. She was single and we had nothing in common really. But she was my good friend for many years. My only real friend I had in Florida for a long time. Something happened with her and she pulled away from everyone. I was so lonely for friends. I began to homeschool and that opened up a whole world of possibilities. People always talk about socialization for homeschooled kids. I don't think most people realize that homeschooling also provides amazing friendships for the moms. And even the dads. I don't know what I would do without all of my friends right now. I have had a very hard time these last few days. Today, when I went bowling, I could feel my friends willing me to give myself time to heal. I also got emails today from other friends with the kindest words and offer of help in any way. And there was the phone call today with my very first friend, Tricia. She left her kids, jumped on a plane and stood by my side while I buried my son. She lets me cry and make no sense when we talk. If I didn't mention your name, it doesn't mean you are not my friend. There are so many people that are right there for me. I can't imagine my life without all of these amazing people.

ETA - I lay in bed in the wee hours of the morning - thinking I didn't write about my sweet friend, Michelle, from Florida. How did I not write about her? I have no idea! She has been there to help me way back since Debi died. She opened her scrapbooking nights to me and it was just what I need. She did all the work for the church part of Timmy's service. I didn't forget you, Michelle, I promise!

Fears

I have a lot of fears, lately. Worries and fears. I spend a lot of time rolling them over and over in my head. One of my biggest fears is that everyone will forget Timmy. My logical side tells me this is not so. I also tell myself does it really matter if people forget him. Does it change anything if people forget him? Not really, but the pain it brings is all encompassing. I know that I haven't forgotten Debi. Sometimes I think that is because her kids are walking around right in front of me. How could I forget her? Then I realize even before I lived here, Debi was always on my mind. I didn't go a day without thinking about her. Still... I worry that Timmy will just be somebody that people will say something about once in awhile. He is my son! He was my hope and my dreams and my joy! He is not just somebody that is gone. So, I worry. I worry that Sebastian will not remember how much he loved him. How wonderful he was and how big of a heart he had. I worry he won't know what an amazing human being he was. I can show him videos and pictures all day long, but he won't remember the details. I go through my day trying to keep things in balance. I know he would want me to be happy and to share happiness with our family. I know this because I know that is how he lived. This past week, a few of of his friends have shared details with me about how Timmy changed their lives. Even a mom said how helped her son not be afraid of the Chick Fil A cow. Simple and silly, but has so much meaning to me. I realized they miss him and they love him too. That he won't be forgotten. He will live in their hearts. I wish I could tell my fear to just go away and stay away, but it doesn't work. I am so grateful to those that share their stories with me. It helps ease the fears and is one of many crazy everyday blessings .

Shopping with my girl...

I am a Kohls shopping addict. I have one department store credit card and it is for Kohls. If you use your card (and pay it off in full every month) you get FANTASTIC coupons for 30% off of everything including clearance. This past weekend, I took my mom to buy some things with that amazing coupon. I got Savannah up like 10 minutes before we were leaving because I thought we might find some great clearance. It took her no time to jump out of bed when she heard shopping for clothes might be involved. We found a couple pairs of jeans that came out to around $6 after clearance and coupon! Awesome! We were all starving and had to stop looking at the racks. The very next day, Sunday, I decided that Savannah and I should hit our other Kohls out by the mall on the off chance there were some more jeans. We rarely go out just the two of us. We almost always have Sebastian, my mom and my sister along for any shopping trip. But this Sunday, it was just me and my girl. We had a lot of fun looking through the clearance racks and oohhhinngg and ahhhhiinnggg over the great deals. We filled our cart and headed to the dressing room. I lounged on the sofa while she put on a fashion show! I was sitting and remembering back to modeling jeans for my mom when I was in high school. We had so much fun shopping for those clothes. Now I was sitting here with my little girl doing the same thing. My mind would linger between outfits. I thought about Timmy telling me how grown up she was looking. He kept asking me why she as growing up so quick these days. I told him that is just how it works. You blink and they bloom! I thought about how I had prayed for a girl. I wanted a girl so we could do things like go shopping for clothes together. I have been angry at God these days. I miss Timmy in every breathe I take. I sat there and watched my beautiful girl giggle and smile ear to ear over trying on clothes. I was a little less angry with God as I watched her. I wonder if I will ever feel complete joy again. I read message boards looking for my answer. Most say you won't ever feel complete happiness again when you lose a child. You get bits and pieces of it. Sunday, in a Kohls dressing room with my sweet Savannah was a bit and piece of happiness. She has a smile that can melt my heart and she has the love that gets me through my day. She is my girl. The girl I asked God for and He answered my prayer.

Sebastian, rain, a new day...

I haven't blogged in nearly a year. Several times over the past year, Timmy asked why I wasn't blogging. I think he actually looked forward to my blogs. I told him I was too busy. I was not inspired or whatever. He asked me to blog about Rose - Patrick's daughter. He asked me to blog about Patrick's wedding. He wanted me to find pictures from when they were little and put them with the new ones. For whatever reason, I told him I didn't have time. The last thing I said to Timmy was that I was busy and I would call him back. This has echoed in my mind for 2 months.

The other day I found this website that will make your blog into a book. I clicked on the demo for my blog. I was amazed at what I saw. I flipped though the pages and happily remembered daily things that I probably would have forgotten. It inspired me. It made me happy (and sad).

I started my blog many years ago because I was battling sadness over missing my sister-in-law, Debi. When she passed away, I missed our daily chats on the computer. I found blogging to be a way to express all my thoughts. I tried to focus on the Crazy Everyday Blessings. Now, I miss talking to Timmy every day. I would tell him all the little and BIG stuff. He was my best friend. I shared all my things with him.

So... I am hoping to blog a bit more. I am sad that I missed so much time. I am sad that those memories may be gone forever.

My first thing I want to remember is Sebastian saving me from the rain. Yesterday, we went to our friend, Wendy's. We left in the rain and it steadily got worse. It was horrible! When we got home, the kids made a run for it to the house. They had swim suits on. I did not. I sat in the quiet van for a few minutes. Sort of enjoying the peace and quiet. Then to my amazement, Sebastian came walking out of the house. He had changed his clothes and brought me an umbrella! He had the biggest smile on his face. He was so proud to RESCUE me! I want to remember that smile down the road. My hero!

My last baby starts school today...

We start school today. It is my 11th year of homeschooling. Savannah will be in 6th grade and Sebastian will be starting Kindergarten. I didn't plan it that way. Savannah's birthday is October 2nd. She really missed the cutoff and should be in 5th grade. When she was just about 5, I started her in school because she was ready. I was anxious to do all the cute stuff for a younger student. I started homeschooling Timmy in 5th grade, so I missed the early years of homeschooling. While it has been fine that Savannah started early, sometime last year I began to wish I hadn't started her early simply because it means she will be done with school a year earlier. All of a sudden I realized how fast she is growing up and I happy I would be if she were still in 5th grade this year. Academically, she really could fall into the 5th grade on some things, but past the 6th grade for others. So - in the end - she will move on from high school when she is ready - not because we will say she has completed 12th grade. That brings me to Sebastian. His birthday is September 30th. So, I faced the same decision with him. Pretty much since the beginning, I planned to keep him on the public school time table meaning that he would not start school until he was actually nearly 6 years old. He misses the cut off by 30 days this year, so he technically wouldn't be heading off to K right now. Well... the plans of mice and men... The boy is learning to read all on his own from absolutely NO HELP from me. I love all my children and they all have special gifts. Sebastian has a gift for learning and learning quickly. With many months of thought, I decided to start him with Kindergarten only I am not sure I am going to call him Kindergarten on paper. I guess I will still put him in his age level at church and for activities. I don't really know. What I do know is today my last baby is going to start school with us. Time sure does fly. Just yesterday I was walking Timmy home from Kindergarten calling him Timmy Pokey Molasses because he walked so slow. Actually - that yesterday - was 15 years ago. Time goes too fast.

Happy 4th...

Today is the Fourth of July. I would bet this is my oldest son's favorite holiday. He LOVES, LOVES, LOVES fireworks. So much that he sent money to his dad to buy fireworks so his little brother wouldn't be "deprived" of the excitement. When Timmy was a little boy he and his dad would "sneak" off to spend some ridiculous amount of money on fireworks. Then they would put on quite the show. I had to put my mom nerves aside and let them be. This was very tough for me. Over the years, it just became part of the holiday. I don't know that we ever actually celebrated the 4th of July thinking about the freedom it represented. I don't know if I actually even ever discussed it with my son. Sure, we covered history in school. He knew about the Declaration of Independence. I just don't think on the day of lots of food, fun and fireworks - did I ever once mention our country's freedom. Strange how that is, huh?

Last night, Tim pulled up a video for the song Bad Boys that is the theme for the Cops TV show. I guess my nephews were making a video and had titled it Bad Boys. That got him thinking about the song and he pulled it up. Sebastian was dancing around like a fool. I started to cry. Yep - that's a surprise - me crying. Tim asked what was wrong. I asked him he remembered Timmy dancing around like a fool to that song. He thought for a moment and then he did. Sebastian has the same dancing ability that Timmy used to have. It is the "I am going to kick the crap out of somebody" dance routine. Crazy!

I miss my son. I never, ever thought that there would be a 4th of July that he would be on the other side of the world fighting for the very FREEDOM the 4th of July represents. I never thought that I could miss him so much that my heart just hurts. I am so proud of him. We are all proud of him. Tim is going to take Sebastian and Savannah out in a little while to buy fireworks with that money Timmy sent. Then tonight, Sebastian is going to try to get right up there and light them. We are going to have to tell him 5000 times that he is not allowed to be that close. He will argue with us. He will tell us he is BIG and CAN DO IT. He will squeal as the fireworks light off into the air. He will jump around with excitement. And I will put my mom feelings aside and let him enjoy his night. I will tell him that his brother is a STRONG and PROUD SOLDIER in the US ARMY. I will tell him that he is serving his country and making sure that freedom remains intact. I won't forget to tell him about freedom and let him think it is just about burgers, swimming and fireworks. We will pray for all of of soldiers that keep us safe. God bless them and their families.