So, I'm not a gardener...

From our garden back in 2009

I don't have a green thumb. I don't really like gardening. I'm not a gardener, but the good news is my husband is! He loves growing things. Here is the thing... I love watching the stuff grow. I just don't really love doing the work of getting it to grow.  When we first moved to South Carolina in 2008, that was a BIG thing on his list of things to do with our new big yard. He put in a smallish garden that year and I had no idea how much I would enjoy watching the vegetables grow. I mean... I would wake up in the morning and one of my very first thoughts was - I need to look at what has grown since yesterday. It reminded me of when he had a koi pond at our first house. I used to like to sit on my front step and just watch the fish swim when I would wake up in the morning.  It was peaceful and quiet and just brought joy to my heart. In 2009, he made the garden bigger and some things were hit or miss, but I still really enjoyed it. He even cut a tree down to the perfect stump size for me to come sit there and talk with him as he weeded the garden. I got a cute little gate entrance too! When 2010 rolled around, life was hectic. His work had demands of more of his time and well... 2010 sucked for us even BEFORE Timmy died. It was destined to be the worst year of our life well before May. I guess it was already written. Anyway, there was no garden in 2010. In 2011, we jumped into buying our second rental property at the end of January that year. It needed a good amount of renovation. All of Tim's free time went working on that during that spring. In the spring 2012, we were working on a third rental property. Again, not a free moment to garden. This morning Tim had a doctor's appointment. His doctor's office is right across from Lowe's. He meandered in there after his visit and he called me to ask, "Do you use turnips in your homemade soup?" I was like, "Huh? Parsnips, why do you ask?" He tells me he is at Lowe's and picking up some seeds to start some starter plants for our garden. Now, this is a simple phrase and a simple thing. In one little statement - I felt joy! Joy that we were going to have a garden, but more than that... joy that some part of our normal life was beginning to show again. Whatever normal is... because we all know that normal is never really attainable.  I guess I know how much he loves to garden. I know that it is something that makes him feel better in general about himself and everything that swirls around us. And then there is my excitement over getting to watch those darn vegetables grow. Even better - I told him after we finished studying the human body for 10 weeks, we would be moving on to plants with Sebastian and his friends. How perfect is the timing of that? Sebastian said in the background, "I don't like gardening." I told Tim and we both said at the same time, "He doesn't like anything!" Jokingly, I think. Anyway, I just wanted to save this snippet of how one little thing can make me giddy with excitement! I can't wait to see what our garden grows. You know it is growing a whole lot more than vegetables... is is growing a little bit of peace for our family.

Creative Memories Scrapbooking Software May Have Just Saved My Sanity

Back in the summer of 2010, I ordered the Creative Memories Scrapbooking software. Honestly, at the the time, I was not even remotely thinking clearly. I just remember seeing it had went on sale from my friend, Michelle. The next thing I knew - I had ordered it. It is funny what I do remember from that summer because it is like seeing tiny snippets of a movie in my mind. I remember the post or email or something saying the software was on sale for that month only. I remember thinking I should get that. I don't remember why now. I guess I was thinking I was going to make sure all of my memories were put into book. Maybe I thought since I couldn't remember what I was doing at any given moment - I had better start getting our pictures and memories into books. Well... truth be told - I opened that software exactly once in the last 2.5 years. And that was last December when I needed to make a matching collage photo of Timmy to match the ones I had purchased for my kids from Picture Innovations. Well, a year has gone by. I got sucked into this bleepity bleep groupon deal for a Snapfish photo album. I was thinking I could put a book together of our many families trip to Disney. That way - I could gift the book to the other families. Hmmm... this sounds easy, doesn't it. It has been anything, but easy. I have worked on uploading the bleepity bleep photos, then I worked on finding a theme I liked and then I worked on finding some Disney clip art and ugh... all that to HATE the first two pages. I hate them because I - in a distant time and place - used to create beautiful layered pages. I love the look of layers and dimension and this snapfish is just so darned flat. Did I mention that looking at scrapping stuff took me on a whole other sidetracked journey of reading about Project Life scrapping? I like the concept, but again - hate the less layered look. After a very frustrating evening saying bleepity bleep A LOT, I decided to open my Creative Memories software. Oh my goodness!!!! Oh my goodness!!!! There are beautiful templates right there. They are one dimensional, but they look layered. I can move them and mat them and change them and OH MY GOODNESS!!! It has been on my computer for 2.5 years. It is right there! Now, I don't know how this book is going to look yet. My thinking is I will create the pages and this time - upload them to snapfish since I already paid for the groupon. It is really crazy how my brain has worked in these last couple of years. I did things, bought things, forgot things, remembered things only to forget them again. I hope 2013 brings a little more clarity to my brain. I also hope that this book is amazing and years and years from now - we will all smile when we look at that once in a lifetime trip to Disney with our very best friends.

Advent Calendars

Talking to Savannah about her chocolate advent calendar because she asked

when Christmas was while we were watching tv tonight.

Me - Why don't you know what day it is? You have an advent calendar.

Her - Dude! I ate like 13 chocolates in one day because I got so behind!

Me - Why do I buy you chocolate advent calendars?!

Her - Because I love the chocolate!

Me - That's it! I'm not buying you anymore chocolate advent calendars! I will just 

get you a bag of chocolate!

Her - That would be a whole lot cheaper.

Did you know that kids grow up?

Did you know that kids grow up to be young adults? Sounds completely obvious, right? Somehow, I never much thought about this when I was a younger parent. I guess I thought a little bit more about the here and now more than I did the future. Probably, because I was the young adult at that time. This is where I am going with this - I became an aunt when I was 12 years old. I was a kid! I didn't much give thought to the fact that someday, that tiny little baby was going to be a beautiful grown woman. I thought she was the perfect doll. Soon after my first niece was born, there were two more nieces born all by the time I was 15. Then I became a mom and more and more nieces and nephews came along. Lots of little kids and they grew up. I was there in some form watching them all grow up. Today, I am 40 years old and at this very moment there are four young adults expecting new babies next year. Add to this - several of them have already had babies. A whole new generation! Sometimes it hurts my heart a bit - not because I am not overjoyed for them - because I am missing my son having his own children. That will probably be there for a good long time, but I tuck it to the side and I try to find the absolute joy in these young adults. You know how we all oooohhhh and ahhhhhhh over the new babies and the toddlers in our lives? Sometimes I oooooohhhh and ahhhhhh over how wonderful these young adults are. I marvel at their kindness and love. Some of them aren't starting families just yet, but they are still not kids anymore. I think about each of them when they were little people and we didn't have a real clue who they would become. Then I send up a silent thank you to God for putting each of them in my life. I love this part of my life. I love that they let me be a part of it.  I love seeing them grow up and become exactly who they are supposed to be.

If I had known it was the last hug...

Taken December 13, 2009

If I had known that it was the last hug I would ever give you on this side - I wouldn't have let go. I would have clung to you like my very life depended on it. Three years ago, today, I drove you to the Charlotte airport. I had taken you to the airport many other times before that day. By that time, you had been living away for 18 months. You had traveled to Oklahoma, to Alaska, to Kuwait, to Iraq and back again. You had seen a war and still came home to me. I remember that day was cloudy and cold. It looked like it would snow even though it didn't. On that day - we had a new (to us) van and we could all take you back to the airport. Well, your dad had to work, but your Grandma, Tusie Michelle, Savannah, Sebastian and me - we all came along for the ride back to the airport. I had a pit in my stomach. Why did you have to be stationed in Alaska? Why did it have to be so far away? Why couldn't I have more money - so I could just fly up there and see you whenever I wanted? Lots of why's going through my mind that day. I don't even remember what we talked about on that 2 hour drive. I remember you sitting next to me in the passenger seat. I can still see you with my memory. You looked so amazing! So grown up, so everything I had ever hoped you would be. I hated getting to the drop off at the airport. I hate how I always feel rushed at those airport drop offs. I feel like don't they know that we are telling the people we love goodbye! I know they need to keep it moving, but I just want to spend a few more minutes with my child. He is my child and he is leaving on a long trip and he won't be home for months. Please, understand how hard this is for me. But, the airport people don't care about this. So, you hug quickly and you tell him you love him and to BE GOOD because that is what you always say to him. He laughs is big, goofy laugh and before you know it - he is walking into that airport away from you. The whole family is silent as we drive away. We are all thinking the same thing - what Sebastian said just a few days before - it STINKS that he has to live in Alaska. Even at 5 years old - he gets how hard this is. I can still smell his cologne on me and in the seat next to me. It is like a wisp of him is still riding back with us. We stop at a Chick-Fil-A on the way home from Charlotte. I think my heart chooses Chick-Fil-A because Timmy's spirit is always at Chick-Fil-A for me ever since he put on that cow costume. I remember sitting at the table looking out the window at the grey sky. I felt a strange feeling that day. Maybe it was intuition that that was the last hug on this side. I felt numb. Do you know what it feels like to have a piece of your heart fly away to Alaska? When I look back now - if I had known it was the last time I would hug you on this side - I would have looked into your sweet face and memorized every part of it. I would have buried my head into your big arms and breathed in deep that mix of you and cologne. I would have told you how much you mean to me and how my blessed my life has been because of you. I would have never let go.

Christmas lights

It has been a rough day around here and for a reason I do not know - I was sitting here this afternoon thinking about Christmas lights. Not just any Christmas lights though. The single, simple strand of lights that my dad and/or brother would hang across the top of our front porch. They were those old larger type bulb lights in primary colors. It was just one strand. That's it! And you know what? To me - as a kid - it was the most beautiful lights I had ever seen. Compared to today's elaborate scenes - this was pretty much nothing. It didn't matter. When they hung those lights, I remember going outside and standing in the yard to look at them. Those lights would get turned off on Christmas Eve while my dad took us kids for our Christmas ride. My mom would stay home to let Santa in. We did Christmas on Christmas Eve because my mom had to work many Christmas Eve's in the
ER. My dad would drive us around to see other people's lights and they were beautiful. Especially if you went to what we called the "rich" neighborhoods. If there was snow, he would drive like a crazy man and we would laugh like crazy! We would circle back to drive past our house to see if our lights were turned on. If they were on - it meant Santa had come to visit. If not, it meant we did another tour around another neighborhood.  Eventually, we would drive by our house and those lights would be on. That single strand of lights shone more bright than any of the other houses I might have seen that night. They were magnificent in my child eyes! We would pile out of the car and run for the door. Once we were inside, we would see 4 neat stacks of gifts - 1 stack for each child. It was a magical feeling. One that I am so thankful I had the joy of having, not once, but many times throughout my childhood.  I wish I had a picture of those lights hanging from our porch, but those were not the days of Facebook and smartphone cameras.  We just took pictures with our memories and hoped we would never forget.  My life was so uncomplicated back then. My biggest worry was did Santa really know that I wanted another baby doll for Christmas? I hope and pray that I am giving my kids that kind of childhood. The kind where excitement and happiness fills their Christmas. I hope more than anything that some day they will tell their children about their favorite Christmas memories. I know that these memories helped make me who I am and they will never leave me.

Have I told you about my girl?

I read back through my blog and I can't believe I have forgotten many of the things I wrote about back then. I wish I had kept up with my blog, but like so many things - the past is in the past. I want to scrapbook and blog and lose 10 lbs. I have many wants, but right now I want to remember how much fun I have with my girl. You know when you homeschool - you are TOGETHER a lot!!! I mean A LOT!!! I have said this before - I am selfish. I am selfish because I would be so very sad if I didn't see her beautiful face so much throughout each and every day. Now - don't get me wrong - we have our moments. Lord knows that hormones flair and we get on each other's nerves. But that is not the norm. Normally, we chat about everything and anything and all the stuff that falls in between. She tells me about Tumblr and I show her silly pictures on Facebook. She plays me some of her screamo music and I plead with her that she really would prefer a Country  Music Festival. Right now - we spend a little while every night watching Supernatural. Randomly throughout the day, one of us will make some goofy off the wall comment about Sam or Dean. The other night - we literally said the same exact thing while watching Supernatural. Somebody said something about letting the people go and we BOTH raised our hand up and said, "Let my people go!" Oh my goodness - we laughed so hard! She is so much like me in so many ways and all at the same time completely her own person. She has so many qualities that are nothing like me and so wonderful. I would have never attempted to put up Christmas lights on the outside of the house when I was 14, but she set her mind to it and pulled it off. I don't know if I realize so much more how quickly these years pass by or what, but I feel like I embrace it more than I did when Timmy was a teenager. I guess I didn't see that he would eventually grow up and move out. With her I see the future - not clearly - but the blurred picture of how time rolls along. I know before too long, she will probably have a job and a boyfriend and our Supernatural (or whatever the show will be then) will only come sporadically. I love this child of mine. I love the time we are sharing and I wish I could bottle it up and keep it. I know I can't, but that sure doesn't make me want it any less.

It's just a season... Barefoot Season...

I sat down to update my facebook status after one of our more busy than normal weekends. Right as I clicked on my fb page - I thought - this is the thing you used to blog about before you had a facebook. You know the stories I used to write down so my kids could read them some day... So - here I am writing a blog post instead of a fb post. December has rolled in busy and full of stuff this year. Friday (okay, so it was the last day of November) we had art and science followed by gymnastics followed by game night for the teens. Did I mention game night was 45 minutes away? My friends and I did the shuffle kids from here to there dance that we have grown to do with great ease. We make it look easy - never mind that when I tell my mom who took who where and when that I make her dizzy. We arrived home from game night a bit after 11pm. Then it was time to pack the gymnastics bag and my bag and lay the clothes out all to be ready to leave for a gymnastics competition by 7:15 in the STINKING MORNING!!! The next morning we all assemble with our girls - braided hair glittering, shiny pink warm-ups and a few smiles to go around. We parents and grandparents settle onto the bleacher for the next 8 hours of gymnastics competition. We share snacks and stories and laughter. In between that we wonder if we will ever get feeling back in our behinds from these dang bleacher seats. We finally shuffle home around dinner time. That brings us to today where we gather once AGAIN at gymnastics to decorate a float for the Christmas light parade. Okay, I didn't do any decorating. I got there late because my lovely daughter had mud on her only comfortable walking shoes and we had to wash and dry them. We still got there in time though. We load up our girls in adorable matching hoodies and send them off to be in the parade. After a quick stop to pick up 2 dozen Krispy Kreme, I head over to watch the parade with friends that are more like family to me. We eat donuts and we go back to that familiar talking and laughing we shared the day before. While our girls are on the float in the parade, our boys are playing "football" with a rolled up jacket. Finally, we see the first float coming our way. We gather to watch are our Barefoot Gymnastics girls go by. In a blink, they pass us! Just like that! We finish the parade, gather our girls and walk back to the cars. Say our goodbyes and finally head home. It has been a LONG and BUSY weekend for us... many of us. I am tired and my heel spurs are SCREAMING! My jammies are calling and all I can think about is getting comfy on my couch. When I finally curl up with my sweet girl sitting next to me - I look over at her and I think - this is just a season. Before I know it - it will change. The crazy gymnastics stuff and driving from here to there and everywhere - it will move on. It always does. It is just one of those seasons. I send a silent thank you up to God for the busy, crazy weekend. For stupid felt penguins crafts that don't GLUE together, for snap circuit projects that weren't quite recorded on an experiment sheet, for filling my van with not only my daughter, but my dear friends' daughters and rushing them off to gymnastics practice, for cutting silly strips of fabric for hair bows the night before competition, for driving out to BFE so our kids can get to know other homeschoolers, for Starbucks with friends while we wait on those kids to finish game night, for friendly faces that cheer all of our children on at competition, for Christmas light floats that show off our priceless children, for Krispy Kreme donuts and good friends to share them with, and for life - crazy, wonderful life. Yep - I am tired and my heel spurs are screaming, but I would not change it. I would not give up one moment of this. Life comes at us in seasons, they seem like they are forever at the time, but really before we know it - we move on to the next... right now we are in Barefoot Season!

Rental Property MOJO?

So, this very strange phenomenon occurs each time Tim and I go out of town... something at one of our rental houses breaks or something else goes wrong with a tenant. Seriously, it seems like every. single. time. I am trying to enjoy my gluttony meal at Golden Corral - my cell phone rings. I say, "Hello?" Then there is a tenant on other end saying something like, "Blah, blah, blah, broken fridge, blah, blah, blah, my wife left me and we are moving out early, blah, blah, blah." Then my gluttony meal somehow loses its appeal and I begin putting out whatever fire needs tending to. Tonight, I am ready to leave on a family vacation in the morning to Washington DC. Somewhere in the back of my mind - I am thinking - what can go wrong this week - while we are away. Maybe we can sneak this one trip in without our appliances or tenants being none the wiser. Then it happened. I was scanning the channels and I saw the weather channel with the "hurricane cone" and you guessed it... it could go right to Tampa Bay. I guess I have been under a rock because I didn't even know this storm was out there. Now it is *only* a tropical storm at the moment. But I have to wonder... if I am going out of town will some cosmic energy churn that tropical storm into a hurricane and send it right towards my Florida rental property? Let's hope not... I don't have any immediate plans to go to Golden Corral at any time during this trip. Maybe if I expand my dining horizons - it will break the curse - and this storm will fall apart long before it gets near Florida. I can hope right? Or, maybe, I should just leave my cell phone in my van when we head into a restaurant.

Birthday parties

Since 1990, I have had a birthday party in some form or fashion for one of my kids. Some were elaborate and others a little more low key. It started with Timmy's 1st which just so happened to by my mom's 50th. It was family and my mom and dad's friends. I made a teddy bear cake - the same cake I made for each of my kids on their first birthdays. I was proud of my first birthday party considering I was only 17 at the time. I pulled it off and we all had fun. The funny thing is I can close my eyes and I can feel that party in my soul.  I remember so many of the details of it. I also remember Timmy's pirate party and treasure hunt. We had just moved to our starter house and it was by the lake and park. My mom made this awesome treasure chest and they followed the clues. There was a party for Savannah - a Cinderella party. I loved that one. I had so much fun making the favors and planning the games. A friend found me a Cinderella dress the DAY of her birthday party at a garage sale. I ran to her house to get it and I was literally on beaming because of a silly Cinderella dress. With Sebastian - I remember his Jack's Big Music Show party. I blogged about it here Sebastian's 2nd birthday. I was going to give him that party come hell or high water. People STILL come to my blog when they search Jack's Big Music Show party supplies. They never did market them - in the words of Julia Robert's from Pretty Woman... "BIG, BIG MISTAKE!" Where was I going with this? Savannah and Sebastian's birthdays are coming up soon. Savannah has grown out of the themed party much to my dismay. She still wants a party, just not one with games, themes, etc. And then I was thinking I would just have Sebastian's friends over to the pool and call it a day. I wasn't thinking about a big and fun party for him. I was like - swim, cake, ice cream, presents - done. I asked him about this and he gave me this look like, "What do you mean??? No pinata, no theme cake, no games that go with the theme?" I stuck the thought away and then today I asked him what kind of party he wanted. Blank stare. I was rolling through my head his likes at the moment. I settled on Mine Craft and sat down to google (where all good birthday parties begin). I found SO MUCH STUFF and he came over and he just lit up! Like - YES - MOM - THIS IS WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT!!! I felt myself get excited - a party to plan! WOOHOO!!! How did I almost let a birthday party go by? Yes, I am tired. Yes, I have a lot going on. Yes, a pool party would be easy. You know what though? Timmy's last birthday was his 21st. He was in Alaska, had plenty of money to buy whatever he wanted and kept telling me it was no big deal. Well, I listened to him. I didn't really make it a big deal. My budget was super tight. I had no idea what to get him and well... I was busy, tired, you name it... I was it. So, I mailed him a very practical gift of kitchen items I knew he would not buy for himself. I did mail him a package of cupcakes and candles. It got there late - several days late (yes, I am always late on packages.) My mom, on the other hand, ordered him a very special cherry cheese cake from a local bakery and even had an amazing personal card included. She surprised him when it was delivered. He was really, really happy about this. When I think back about regrets (I have a few), I think about how I didn't do as much as I could have for that birthday. Now, I know he knew I loved him and I know he remembered all the other birthday parties. I just wish if I had a do over - I would have done something a bit more special. Sometimes it takes losing someone or something to realize what you should have or could have done. Whew!!! I am glad that I realized this BEFORE I wrote off Sebastian's birthday plans this year. And with that - the Mine Craft party planning begins!

Skipping = Happiness for Sebastian

I was just reading this blog post -An Inch of Gray - and it reminded me of something I have been wanting to write about because I just don't want to forget it. Sebastian does this thing when he is happy. He skips! I have stood back at Walt Disney World and seen him skip off to the line with Savannah. I have caught him skipping as he goes from one activity to the next at Kid Kamp. I smiled as he skipped his way down to the beach when we were there in May. I have never been able to catch him with my camera because it is sporadic and never really planned. He reminds me of Tigger! You know how Tigger hops everywhere because he is full of joy! It does this amazing thing with my heart when I see him skipping around. It takes a bit of the pain I am feeling and it pushes it far, far away and gives me this amazing feeling of love and happiness. All from something as simple as watching him skip from place to place!

For I know the plans I have for you...

Sometimes I think God sends you to exactly where you are supposed to be. A sweet friend, Toni, asked me to come over and look through some homeschool books today. I probably haven't seen Toni in two years and was a bit surprised to see she had invited me to her house. Honestly, I didn't know what or if I needed any books, but I wanted to go simply because she asked me. She was talking about a family that lost their 21 year old daughter a few weeks back and this other family that lost their little girl earlier this year. Then sh was talking about her struggle with cancer among other struggles. Then she says it - IT - Jeramiah 29:11 to me, "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Now, I am not very good at bible verses. I have an awful time remembering them and it really just is not my thing. This was one of the first verses I ever learned and if I had a life verse (which I don't) there was a time - I would have said this was it. I used to say this verse a lot when I was finding faith in my life. Just at a time when I was questioning why we were leaving FL and why Timmy was going to the Army and why my nice neat life was changing so much.  When Timmy died - I sorta hated that verse. It made me want to SCREAM - "NOT HARM ME - WHAT THE HECK DO YOU THINK TAKING MY SON HAS DONE TO ME?" and then the part about "hope and a future - ummm... where the heck is my son's future?" I know some people will not ever say they question the wisdom. It is like taboo to say - but I am so beyond caring what anyone thinks - so I question lots of things. Toni was so amazing today when she said sometimes it is just SO HARD! Sometimes you are just mad at God! She said it without any judgement at all, just pure truth of somebody that understands sometimes life stinks! She was like sometimes this is so very hard to believe. It was so nice to hear somebody else say these things and then say I am going to have faith - even if I am angry and even if it is hard. I felt like I was just supposed to be there with her today and I am so thankful that God put me in the exact place I needed to be today. And... some days I get it, but I know it is okay if I don't. God understands.

Timothy Neil Clayton II

March 5, 1989 - May 14, 2010

Death... it changes you. The first time I remember dealing with death was when my mom's best friend died. I remember my mom answering the phone and hearing the pain in her voice. I am not sure how old I was, but I remember seeing her standing there and I knew something was terribly wrong. When I was 8, my grandma died. I loved my grandma in some way, but not in the way my kids love my mom. I was sad she died, but more sad for my mom that her mom had died. I was terrified of going to the funeral and tried to give myself a fever by staying buried under my covers. I saw ghost faces on my door at night and was in general just freaked out. When I was 15, my sister, Michelle's baby Daniel died when he was 4 months old. He was born with heart defects and he never was able to come home from the hospital. Again, I wasn't very attached to this precious little baby, but my heart ached for my sister. I remember going to his funeral and seeing his tiny body in a tiny casket and thinking I can't believe my sister hasn't lost all her marbles. It was so very wrong. I remember watching my dad sob over the loss of his grandson. I hurt for my dad. I hurt for my sister. I hurt for our family, but I was still somewhat detached. When I was 23, I had a miscarriage. I was devastated. I wanted my baby back. Every part of me hurt and ached to hold my baby in my arms. I didn't understand and I grieved and I hoped to one day have another baby. Years went by - all of which my dad was very ill. The Mayo Clinic said he could die today, tomorrow or years from now. Nobody really knew. When I was 26, my dad was set to have more foot surgery (he had ulcers on his feet). It should have been routine. It wasn't. He died. Just like that - after 9 years of plugging along - a fairly easy surgery and he dies. I remember telling each one of my siblings that he had died. I remember telling my dad's siblings he had died. Nobody tells you that it sucks to tell people you love that your dad has died. My mom, as always, held it together. I get my hysterics from my dad's side of the family. I felt numb when my dad died. I was pregnant with Savannah and all I could think was he was never going to meet my baby girl. I really wanted him to know who she was. I wanted him to be proud of me and see my beautiful family. When I was 31, my best friend and my sister-in-law, Debi, was murdered. This death was the hardest for me at the time. I could not and would not accept that this was okay. I fought it with my mind and my soul. It hurt so much. I loved this person and we were friends and we shared so much and she was so good. She was like up there with Mother Teresa as far as being one of the most kindest and loving people ever. She didn't deserve to die. I struggled. I hurt and I hid it. I didn't talk about her death and how much I was hurting to many people. I just couldn't even say the words. It was just too difficult. I started this blog - to focus on the many blessings I had. It helped and slowly - so very slowly - I began to not hurt so much. When I was 38, my son died. Dear God... I have tried. I have tried to focus on my children and my blessings and I see them. I know they are there. I will never be the same. I will never not hurt. I will never not feel this ache that rocks me to the core. Nothing will ever compare to this. I have spent the last week going over and over things in my mind. Am I supposed to be past this? Am I supposed to be done grieving? Do I enable my children to have a crutch in their brother's death? Do I focus too much on Timmy being gone? The truth is I don't know. I don't know the answer to those questions anymore than I know the answer to WHY!!!!??? WHY!!!!!???? WHY!!!!???? little baby boys are born and never get to come home from the hospital or why miscarriages happen or why parents die young or why loving mothers are taken from their children or why, GOD, why did you take my sweet, sweet boy? I don't know. I can't answer that. I can say with all certainty that death changes you. It changes your family. It changes every thing in your life. It can fill you with fear and guilt and uncertainty. It makes you doubt all the things you thought you knew. It makes your children vulnerable. It makes them fearful and insecure. And that makes you feel like a lousy parent because more than anything in this world you want your children to feel happy. So, my best guess is that we are right where we are supposed to be. There is no timetable for this. There is no magic potion. Some people will understand and others will get tired of the same old song. I will make no apologies for my family. I will not expect my children to get over, get past, get around the loss of their brother. He was a damn good brother and they loved him. When my husband asks me to take a photo of Timmy off my facebook because it is killing him to see him staring back at him - I will do it even though it is killing me to take that photo down. I do this because I understand that we are all fighting our own battle. I understand that it is painful and ongoing and long. Death changes you... there is no sugar coating it. The only blessing in that is that some how, some way, I still believe that some day I will understand and there will be no more tears.

Oh my goodness... I forgot to teach Sebastian to use scissors!

Okay, I didn't really forget to teach Sebastian to use scissors. And in my defense, he CAN use them - sorta. I mean he can certainly cut the top of an ice pop off with scissors. Does that all the time with not a single problem. So, I guess it is not has bad as it could be. How did this happen? Well - I will call it 3rd child syndrome. You see my first child went to school until he began 5th grade. He went to a fantastic Pre-K class when he was 4 years old. The very sweet and incredibly patient - Miss Mysliewick - taught my amazing first born son how to do things like cut and paste and color in the lines. She taught him a ton of amazing things. Then he entered the system and he regularly cranked out age appropriate art work. My second child - my only daughter has always been homeschooled. So, she must have the same teaching experiences as Sebastian, right? Nope! My beautiful little 3 year old girl started at a homeschool co-op and Daisy Scouts. She took preschool art with Miss Sherry and Hands On Science with Miss Susie. She did girl scout projects from the teeny tiny age of 4. I bought her a lovely crayon, glue and scissors box, tucked it in her bag and sent her off to these amazing women that taught her all these wonderful things. I sat quietly in some vacant room of a church while they enriched her life. THEN - I had my last and youngest son. When he was 3 years old and just getting to co-op age... I did the craziest thing. I MOVED to another state. For some reason, Miss Susie did not want to move from Florida to South Carolina to teach my son how to cut and paste. I have no idea why that wasn't at the top of her list. Well, as life happens, things got busy for me. I spent a good deal of time focusing on Savannah's school from grades 5-7. I had mini-classes at my house with friends. We all had little preschool boys and we just let them run around and play while we did stuff with the bigger kids. I reasoned that Sebastian pretty much taught himself to read and do math. He is super smart. He is well beyond his 1st grade scope and spectrum. Then - last year happened. I did my best to do school and we did accomplish a lot of the 3 R's. Not so much of the fun stuff though. So, THIS IS THE YEAR - I said. I am going to make crafts and sing songs and do the fun cutesy stuff with him. Savannah is working pretty much independent. I give her a schedule and she (in the same room as me) works through it. Finally, that youngest son of mine is going to get a whole lot of attention. I printed a Fruit of Spirit lapbook about 8 weeks ago. We painted ONE page of it. Then I don't know where it went to. I printed and cut out a Money Lapbook. He was unimpressed and let's face it - he already knows all of his money facts and can add or subtract money just fine. What was I thinking? You may be asking why lapbooks? Well, I did a lot of lapbooks with Savannah and her cousins. Sebastian genuinely showed an interest in them. I spent a lot of time telling him they were too advanced for him. My other reason is that I like lapbooks. I am the teacher - so sometimes I just pick what I like! So there! I also like that I can pick and choose what to add to them. For instance - take today - I decided to do a Thanksgiving lapbook with him. Now, I already have 2 ready made lapbooks for Thanksgiving or Autumn. I like each of them, but one seems a bit hard for him and the other is just so good and so full of info that I would prefer to hang onto it until next year. We will be out of town for 10 days in November - so our time is a bit limited. That set me on a hunt for a perfect blend of art, writing, and knowledge for a completely Sebastian lapbook. After hours of googling - I narrowed it down to several pages that had copy work involved. Sebastian is weakest in handwriting and super advanced in reading. I am trying to work in handwriting a bit more with each passing day. He loves his Handwriting Without Tears books, but is not so keen on just writing words out of the workbook. So, I make this adorable scarecrow book. It has the same scarecrow on each page - you just change the sentence under it on each page. The first page says, "My hat is orange." He then copies that sentence and colors the hat orange. The next page says, "My shirt is blue." and so on. Well, my brilliant child says, "Why do I have to WRITE this?" I tell him because he needs to practice his writing skills. He replies, "Well, YOU typed it! Why can't I just TYPE it?" Smart cookie there. I tell him very patiently that I typed it to give him clear idea of what is expected of him, but if I had to - I could, in fact, write. Then he goes on to say, "Why does each sentence say "MY" shirt, coat, etc? It is not "MY" shirt, it is his!" Well, he had a point there. So - we made it through half the pages, but I am not giving up! We will complete this stinking scarecrow book by the end of the week. We also pasted together a pilgrim boy and girl. I did the cutting and he just assembled. Savannah did this same project when she was younger. Somehow - not the same. Next up, was a simple book about the First Thanksgiving. It was 8 pages printed on two standard sheets of paper. His goal - to cut out the 8 rectangles and staple the booklet together. Simple, right? Well, er, ummm, not so much. He didn't do a horrible job, but he was not happy. He was complaining the entire time. Why do I have to do this? When will I need to cut stuff? Why can't somebody else do it for me? I will get a job where I will have a helper to cut stuff out for me. Yep, that is my boy... he is already envisioning a personal assistant to do the mundane work for him. We pushed ahead and cut that pain in the bleep book out and then he read it with great ease and glued it down. I am glad we did all of this today. I am a little perplexed on how he got to be 7 and slid right by me on these little things, but I guess that is life. I am determined he will, however, learn to cut his own pages before he heads to the office and assigns that task to somebody! I want to know if he is stuck on a deserted island somewhere and needs to create a lapbook from scratch - that he will have the skills! I think I am going to need a lot of patience the next few months...

Breakfast for dinner

I have no idea why I am writing about this, but I am. This afternoon as I was driving home from picking Savannah up - I decided that breakfast for dinner sounded like a wonderful idea. We seem to go in spurts on this and sometimes it is a simple affair - just eggs and toast. Tonight, I felt like making homefries, pancakes, eggs and toast. Why I would choose this on a night where I needed to be somewhere - I have no idea. I just did. I was sitting at the table peeling potatoes and I started remembering my mom cooking breakfast for dinner. I could see her crystal clear in my mind standing at the stove in our house on Scarsdale. She would make eggs, pancakes, and minute steaks. Sometimes she would make homefries too. My mom was a way nicer mom than I usually am because she would make the eggs to order for each of the 6 of us. Most of the time when I do it - everyone is getting their eggs cooked the same. I moved from peeling those potatoes into the kitchen to make pancakes. As I stood there waiting for them to bubble - I could hear her telling me that the little bubbles let me know it was time to flip them. My mom has taught me so many things. It is strange to me how some of those things are like they happened yesterday. I guess breakfast for dinner is a comfort food for me because it reminds me of when life was so easy and the biggest thing I was facing was flipping the pancakes at the right time. It sure would be nice to go back in time for a visit to watching my mom cook breakfast for dinner and having all 6 of us sit around the table enjoying it.

Little pieces of Sebastian's heart

Yesterday, I got a message from a woman at church - Kristen - about having Sebastian sing a song with another child for the Christmas play. That got my mind thinking and rolling around what has happened in his life in the last 17 months. I decided I should write it down because even though some of it is very painful, some of it is very much filled with hope. I guess really this post starts when Sebastian was just in my belly and had a few months until he was born. We had gone for an ultrasound and found out he was a boy! Timmy and Savannah were both with us. Savannah sat on the ground in true 5 year old behavior and cried because this new baby was not only a boy, but he was due on her birthday! The horrors of it all! Timmy, on the other hand, leaped into the air did one of those ALRIGHT moments of "I am having a brother!" Two completely different reactions. Time passed and we welcomed Mr. Sebastian into our world. His momma was still somewhat of a mess from losing her best friend a year earlier. As much as I love Sebastian and we chose to have him because of my hurting heart - there were days I thought this tiny baby was getting short changed because his momma was a bit frazzled at best. He did have an awesome big brother(and an equally wonderful big sister) that helped out when he was home. At one point, I even left my little 2 year old Sebastian with his brother and dad for 6 days while I took Savannah to Williamsburg. Everyone thought I should have worried about leaving my baby with my 17 year old... in truth I was a bit more worried about the days my husband had him all day! After all, Timmy had been home with Sebastian since the day he was born. He knew all his quirks and all of his routine. My husband, on the flip side of the coin, had been at work most days. Time flew by as it often does and Timmy was soon leaving for the Army. Sebastian was not quite 4 when he left. I remember telling Timmy over and over that if he joined the service - the kids wouldn't know him. I told him how I was so extremely close to my oldest sister, but when she married and moved away when I was 12 - our closeness fell away. I was worried about it and if you know me at all - that means I obsessed about it. Then there was my oldest son, wise and kind. He wrote letters and sent pictures and text messages and he called. Oh yes, he called. He would talk to me and he would talk to Sebastian. Not as much as I would have liked in hindsight, but that is a different post. Don't ask me about my lack of using SKYPE - I literally and I do mean literally have a mini panic attack when I see it on the screen because I am so sad for not using it more. Time will heal that as it does other things. Anyway, I am getting off track. My point is that Timmy stayed connected to his siblings. He let them know they were important to him and that they loved him. When Timmy died, Sebastian had the unfortunate event of not getting told in a gentle manner. He was in the van when I pulled into the driveway that day. He saw me, my mom and my sister completely lose it as we saw the two soldiers standing there. He saw me beat on my steering wheel and scream. He was just 5 years old and he did not deserve that. Savannah was not at home. I was able to take her aside and hold her and tell her. Sebastian spent time away from me that day and I remember at some point telling my friend April that she needed to bring him home right now. I guess in my haze it hit me that HE needed me. When she brought him home - he went to his room and he began kicking his wall as hard as he could. Then he fell into my arms and he cried. Not his usual "I am being a pain in the butt kid" cry, but the kind that was he had just lost his big brother cry. For weeks, he would kick that wall. For the next year, he had meltdown after meltdown. I mean crumbling in to what I call snotty fits - where the tears are rolling and the snot is flying. Not pretty and sometimes frustrating. Enough to make me insane at some times. I just wanted to sit at the park with my friends and heal a bit, but my Sebastian was crying over everything. We tried lots of things and lots of people had "advice". Tim and I talked about it over and over. All at once it hit me. I was crying everyday. Sure, most days, I did it quietly, but not always. Some days I cried so hard and there was nothing that was going to make it stop. I was 38 years old and I was crying and having snotty fits. I just had the sense to go sit on my closet floor to do it. Why on earth would I expect my 5 or 6 year old child to do better? When I realized that - it changed how I dealt with it. I knew I couldn't allow him to just get angry and throw fits, but I also knew that it had some reason to be there. His anger came from pain in his heart and that is real. I thought about how I sat alone in my closet and cried until I felt better. I began sitting him alone when he had a meltdown. If we were at the park - I would open all the van doors and sit him in the van. Pretty soon, he actually knew the drill and sometimes would tell me he just needed to be by himself for a bit. I am happy to say that today we are not having nearly as many trials with him. There are some people that helped along the way and that brings me back to the very beginning of this story. Last winter as I was walking through Walmart, I saw our youth pastor, Oakley and his wife, Kristen. Now, they don't know this, but they will now if they ever read this. I actually saw them and I walked through the clothes aisle to avoid them. WHY would I do that, you might be wondering? Well, because Tim and I had taken Sebastian out of church for that time. Too many meltdowns at church was very trying on both Sebastian and me. So, I didn't want to come face to face with them. Then it happened. Kristen called over to me, "Sebastian's mom... Sebastian's mom." I stopped and turned. She came over and very sweetly told me how much they missed Sebastian at church. I explained the above. I worried she would think I was a bad mom taking my kid out of church and all. She didn't act that way at all. She was very kind and continued to be kind each Sunday when I did NOT bring Sebastian back to church. A couple of months passed. We decided it was time to give it a try again. I would love to end the story with something like Sebastian never had another meltdown again at church, but that would be a fairy tale ending. He had and continues to have some good days and some bad days. Not nearly as many bad days anymore. People like Kristen, and Anne Marie another great woman that helps at the church and Margie head of the children's department were patient with him. And there are others inside and outside of church that love him broken and all. They didn't expect him to be all fixed and perfect. They understood that his heart was broken into a lot of little pieces and it was going to take a lot of time to try to fit the pieces back into place. When I got that message asking him to have a specific part in the Christmas play, it was just fitting one more of the pieces in place. It is just a tiny verse that he gets to sing, but the fact that they love him enough to know that this may be a challenge and that they are willing to take it. That says something. I know his heart won't hurt as bad forever and I am glad of that. At the same time, I will always be sad that as his heart heals - it means he will miss his brother less. It is bittersweet. With the pain comes little pieces of joy when you least expect them.

Finding good in the bad...

I have spent months and month thinking about and replaying conversations I had with Timmy. We talked a lot on the phone each day and to be truthful... most of those conversations were forgettable. They were just the typical - I need to run to Walmart and why won't Savannah get her school done and I wonder what we should have for dinner types of conversations. Timmy would call just about every weekday morning when he woke up. It would be around 10am our time. Then he would call again around 4pm and then usually again around 9pm. We talked a lot about nothing at all and sometimes about everything. I wish I had paid more attention. I took it for granted. Tim told me something awhile back that may be the sweetest and kindest thing he ever said to me. He said he firmly believes that because we homeschooled Timmy that he was used to talking to me everyday. Afterall, when you are 11 years old, in the 5th grade and are home all day with your 1 year old sister and your mom... who else are you gonna talk to? Tim says he thinks it got our kids in the habit of sharing their thoughts with me. It just continued when Timmy moved 3500 miles to Alaska and even when he went to the other side of the world in Iraq. Only in Iraq instead of phone calls in was im's. It was a gift. A gift that sometimes I didn't even realize I had. I know it now and it is painfully clear from the silence of my cell phone.  Anyway, that wasn't what I was really coming here to write about - but I got sidetracked. In one of our conversations, I remember complaining about Savannah and Sebastian. Something I probably did a lot. To be honest, the last few years were HARD in a lot of ways and I wasn't feeling all that great about the world. So, sometimes I was just plain and simple an Eeyore. So, Timmy asks me, "Why do you always complain about your kids... the ones you wanted so much?" It was pretty darn blunt... that was my boy... just like his mom. I sorta stopped and I said something to the effect that I was tired and stressed and did I mention... tired? He laughed at me. He said something about me getting old. Yep - that would be correct. I am older and more tired and more busy. So, I complained a lot about really nothing at all. Just to be complaining, I guess. In all the months I have been thinking about things, I try to find whatever good I can in this horrible journey I didn't ask to be on. One of the things that came to my mind was that I needed to enjoy Savannah and Sebastian more. The way I did Timmy. When we had Timmy - our lives were much, much simpler. We had pretty easy jobs, very little bills, not a whole lot of stress. Our life was predictable. For 9+ years we lived that way. I don't know why it changed, but it did. The day I found out Timmy had died, I did something that I still don't quite understand why or how. I went to the bookshelf and I got a book for Sebastian. I hadn't read him bedtime stories nearly his entire life. I am not exactly sure why I didn't, but I didn't. I had always read to Timmy and I read to Savannah until Sebastian came around. I didn't understand exactly why that came to my mind on that night. I was beyond numb and not thinking at all, but I thought enough to do that. Since then, I have been reading to him most nights. Earlier this week, I had some clarity on that when I remembered him asking me, "why do you always complain about the kids?" There IT was... the simple good that comes from the bad. When you lose a child you love more than your very own life, you need to make some sort of sense of it. I think that I have learned to enjoy my other kids more. That is not to say that I don't complain about them. Just ask my mom - she will tell you I still complain plenty. I will always have Eeyore deep down in me somewhere. I just try to do it less and less and I try to focus on what makes them the best gifts I could have ever received. That is finding good in the bad.

Soaking it all in...

Back in June, we took the kids on a vacation to St. John Virgin Islands. Now if you have read my blog since the beginning, you know that Tim and I went there two other times without kids. We loved it both times. We spent a lot of the time saying things like, "Wow, Timmy would love this stingray or Savannah would have a blast feeding the iguanas!" Sebastian was just a baby the other times we went. It just didn't seem reasonable to take all the kids with Sebastian still being so small. So, we did what a lot of parents do... just talk about how great it would be for the kids to see it. And... there is nothing wrong with that. Nope, not one tiny little thing. BUT... for us that has changed. For a long time since our life got on a financial roller coaster in 2006 (trying to sell a house that would not sell, moving, layoffs, new job, etc) - I would dream about selling that darn FL house and taking all of us to St. John. That dream included Timmy too. I envisioned this great peace that would come from all the uncertainty we had been living in since late 2006. It was becoming clearer to me by the end of 2009 that we were not going to sell the FL house anytime soon, so my dreams of that vacation were quickly fading away. Timmy did something amazing though... he took us all to Walt Disney World. And we really did have a magical vacation as corny as that sounds. I had no idea that would be the last time we would spend with him. It is etched and soaked in my memories so deep. Lots of details I hold so close to my heart. Sometimes when my grief hurts so much, I think about how much fun we had walking around Epcot trying out all the different beer. I think about running to Splash Mountain with my kids. I try to grasp on so tight to the good memories and not the horrific ones of losing Timmy that flash through my mind. So, what does all this mean? Well, after some of the fog wore off and Tim and I started to see a bit more clear - we both felt very strongly about a time to relax and heal with our kids. One thing led to another and the next thing I know... we are off to St. John. Now, I firmly believe that you can enjoy your kids at a pond in your backyard or a tent at the local campground. It isn't where you are, but who you are with. Remembering back to traveling to Oklahoma when Timmy was in Basic Training... that was one of our best trips EVER. I think it was just because we were all so happy that the icing on that trip's cake was Timmy was at the very end of it waiting for us. Lawton Oklahoma is NOT an exciting place, but I think of that trip with the best and warmest of memories. But, somehow, taking our kids to St. John - a place we loved. A place that just clears your mind and soul. It was just what we needed. I sat on the beach many days and just watched my kids and my husband. I sware I memorized every inch of them. I would close my eyes and I would stick it away in the part of my heart that hurts so much. I wanted to just hold them in that moment for as long as I could. I sat and I talked to God - in my mind - lest you see a crazy woman on the beach talking to herself. I just told Him that I was trying my very best to understand that I will NEVER understand why Timmy had to go away, but I am going to trust that He had a  reason beyond all imagination. I thanked Him for giving me the years and memories I had with Timmy and for giving me two other children to hang on to. I asked Him to help me keep going and doing the best I can. And when I was calm and rested, I sat back in my chair and I just watched quietly... I just soaked it all in...

Be a Tabitha...

This is our Tabitha with Timmy!

Huh? What does my title mean? To some people in my family - they really are wondering because we have an amazing family member by the name of Tabitha. And while I do think it would be great to be like our very own Tabi - that is not what my title is talking about. Several months ago I heard a message at church about Tabitha in the Bible. Now, these days and most days - my memory is not that great. That day this message touched me and I wanted to blog about it then. I have no idea what keeps me from my blog now. I used to crave writing on it and even now - I write blog posts in my head. I just never sit down to type them up. Here I am many months later - cleaning the kitchen - and in my mind I am rolling that "Be a Tabitha" sermon in my head. Okay, I will get to telling you what it means now if you don't already know. I sure a lot of you already do know the story, but I sure didn't. So here goes... Pastor John was talking about Acts 9:32-43 - Calvary Chapel Lesson. He was talking about how this woman, Tabitha, had died. There were people gathered around her and they kept her with them. They did not take her to a tomb. They wanted to keep her with them and they begged Peter to BRING HER BACK! Tabitha was described as an amazing woman. She made clothes for the widows. She loved people and was just beautiful inside and out. When she died - it just tore these people apart. They could not believe that she could be gone and they WANTED HER BACK! Pastor John goes on to say that we should be the type of people that when we die that somebody WANTS US BACK! As I sat there listening to him, I thought about how many people want Timmy back. How many people has said this to me over and over. We just WANT HIM BACK! We didn't just want him back a year ago when he died, but we still want him back right now. I also thought a lot about my sister-in-law, Debi. Again - over 7 years later - if you talked to the many, many people she touched - they would say they WANT HER BACK! There are many people that have gone before me that I want back, but my mind stuck with them. I kept thinking that they were truly "Tabithas". They were beautiful on the inside and out. They loved people and gave anything they had to them. When people tell stories about them and all the good times they shared, they smile and they remember joy. I remember when Debi died - there were so many people at her memorial service. I sat in that church and just looked at all the people she had touched. I thought about that for awhile after - thinking I don't reach out to that many people by a long shot. Then when Timmy died - again - I sat in the limo at the cemetary and I watched. I watched as car after car drove into the cemetary. I watched all the lives he had touched in his short 21 years. A year later - the people that talk about him - they are spread from Alaska to Afghanistan to Florida to Illinois to South Carolina and a whole lot more places in between. So, what am I saying... I am saying that I want to be a "Tabitha". When I am gone - I want people to want me back. I want people to miss me and not because I have a big ego. I want them to important to me and I want to be important to them. Now, back to our very own - Tabi - she was named very well. She happens to be one of those "Tabithas" too. So, my question for today is "Are you being a Tabitha?" Are you teaching your children that no matter what their difficulty is that they can still be a good and kind person? There are a lot of days where I would like to give up and give in - hey my kid died - I want to lay down and die too! BUT and this is a BIG BUT - I CAN'T - because that would not be teaching my children how to be a "Tabitha". That would be teaching them how to be alone. So, I keep thinking about this and I hope you do too. Go out and be a Tabitha and find and give JOY even when you feel like you can't. Make somebody WANT YOU BACK!  I love you Timmy and I will always want you back.

Joy, weddings, tornadoes, and choices...

just went for a walk this morning. Amazing how I can get better clarity by leaving the house and walking around the block. Before I left for my walk, it was weighing heavily on me that it has been 50 weeks since I last talked to Timmy. 50 weeks since he died. Yes, I keep track of weeks. I guess as mothers we naturally keep track of weeks - like when we were pregnant. 50 weeks ago this morning, he called me around 10am - as he did a lot. It was his wake up time there and he would call to chat for a bit before his day started. He called me later on that afternoon to chat and I will forever regret that my last words to him were that I was busy and that I would call him back. The thing is that I know that there is not a DAMN thing I can do about that. So, I can continue to torture myself for that or I can choose something else. This morning, I am choosing something else. There is a lot of hoopla about the Royal Wedding that happened earlier this morning. I taped it on the DVR. Honestly, before now, I never paid much attention to William or Kate. Yesterday, the kids and I watched lots of shows about the wedding and history of the past. Savannah painted my toenails while I clipped coupons and Sebastian played with legos. It was a quiet and peaceful afternoon. Today, we are headed to the zoo with friends. Before we go - we are going to go take a peak at the wedding dress, but will have to watch the rest of it when we get back. It may seem silly since there are so many other things to think about. Here is the thing for me... I can choose to be sad. Lord knows my heart hurts all day everyday. I wish for a moment I could let people who don't know what it feels like to just feel it. It is this physical pain that is deep in your chest. It does not go away. So, as I was saying, I could give into it. I could sit and watch all the horrific news stories and wallow in how awful the world is and how life is not fair - afterall - my Timmy is dead. Or I can get up and take my Sebastian in my lap, hug him and say "Good Morning Bubba Luka". I can go walk around my neighborhood and be thankful that I live in a safe place and I have a body that carries me. I can watch the Royal Wedding with my daughter and giggle about what it might feel like to be a real live princess. It really is a choice to choose joy. That doesn't mean I won't continue to pray for tornado victims. I will, I do think about the fact that nearly 300 families have lost a loved one. I realize that means that there is another mom out there - just like me - feeling like her baby is so far away. My best advice for those people is to find joy and seek joy. Now, I need to get a shower and take a peak at that wedding dress and go to the zoo. Always missing my son, always wishing he were here, but choosing to find the JOY where I can.