Friday, June 15, 2007

Deep philisophical thoughts I mentioned I may or may not write about...

I sorta feel I should share with you what all has been going on in my mind lately. I haven't really written it because it isn't all HAPPY! I try to make my blog a happy place, so when you have a lot in your head that is not happy... that means there is not a lot of stuff to blog about. As I have written, my house is for sale. It has been 6 weeks and not a lot of activity. We are constantly playing this game of questioning every single decision we make. Should be hire a realtor? Should we lower the price? Should we move and leave it empty to sell? Should we rent it? Should we run and hide and drink strawberry smoothies on a beach in St. John? The house is done and at least as much as I can tell - it looks great! Unless everyone I know is lying to me because every single comment has been positive. Before I was so busy fixing and doing that I had a focus. Now I am busy maintaining, but that leaves time to think about so much and that leads to freaking me out. Some days I feel like I am dealing pretty well. Then all of a sudden it hits me! I can't breathe! Yesterday was one of those can't breathe days. Tim called me on his lunch like he always does and I was in a full panic. He has been so great! I mean you can't imagine how calm he has stayed through all of my ups and downs. We made a few more plans and decided to go with them. Yesterday afternoon, my neighbor came by to get her son, Jonathon. You may remember I wrote about him awhile back. His parents are getting divorced and it is a mess. She had gone to court yesterday and asked if Jonathon could stay here. When she came to pick him up she stayed to talk for awhile. I don't wish her pain on anyone, but somehow it helped to put my sheer panic of a few hours earlier in perspective. She said it clearly, actually. She ended one of her statements with something like - Well, at least you just need to sell a house and you aren't losing your husband and breaking your family apart. Wow! How awful for her! I really wish there was something I could do - I can watch Jonathon and that does help - but something more would be nice. After she left, I kept thinking about what she said. Add to that that Tim's brother, Keith, was here earlier this week. So many times I kept looking at him and feeling the sadness that Debi was not physically with him anymore. I spent some time one of those evenings just looking at Tim and thinking what would I do without him? It really hit home with me that as long as I have him and our kids, things will be okay somehow. So those are my deep thoughts going on in my head. I haven't been blogging because I think I am just not feeling the cute, fun things of everyday. I guess for right now sometimes I will see the everyday blessings and some of those other days - I will just be trying to remember to breathe.

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